September flew by and here we are about to wrap up the month of october, and i have realized how much things change and how minor the changes are at first, to only then realize how big they are few months down the line. What made me think of this was when i was driving to school, out of the 1,873 songs i have on my phone ” wake me up when september ends” came on, and i hadn’t;t listened to this song in years and it was one of those moments when i was just sitting in the car and actually listening to the song and listening to the lyrics and it made me realize how much we take time for granted. I think back to summer and all the crazy adventures i was in, and realizing in those moments i was so worried. I was worried about the times ending, the people changing, school starting again people falling back into their reality routine, and then the saying ” when it rains it puts” came into my head then i realized the rain isn’t always a bad thing.
While looking through a notebook i had originally planned to keep all my political science notes in but turned into a random thoughts, ideas journal attempting to find my old email password, i had came across a letter i had written to my somebody i was once close with, and in the letter i had addressed why the distance was probably what is best for us, and that maybe we were never meant to even cross paths. While reading the letter i had realized how much that person was like me, and how we are people who love to bring rain everywhere we go. Rain being we either cleanse the people around us or we drown them. And it is never intentional it is just who we are as people. We both have these personalities that are loud and that are forceful and not everybody can handle. i had realized i spent time hating their existence simply because it was one of my own.
When i had left Georgia to move back to Michigan i believed that was one of the most unwanted yet most desired moves, i was scared to make, simply because i knew from the second i would leave Georgia on that plane i would never come back the same person and that scared me. I had become so shelled in the idea who i was truly who i was meant to be. When i was on the first plane i had cried and i wasn’t crying because i was scared , i wasn’t crying because i was sad, i was crying due to the fact i had finally moved on. Everything that had ever bothered me and was holding me felt realised, i was going to a place in which i knew but yet i did not all at the same time. and that feeling was one of sense, from the age of 10 to 17 i had this feeling that life made no sense to me. Love was confusing, friendships were just horrid due to the fact out of all the friends i ever had only 4 never made me question where they actually my friend. And i remember when i was on the plane i had written a letter to 5 people i had left behind in Georgia and one was only of real importance to me and it was simply just one sentence.
” When it rains it pours, and the rain is either going to drown you or cleanse you.”
And that sentence was not for them, but for me. I had forgiven them a long time ago i was struggling to find the power in me to forgive myself.
I truly believe people do not have a problem forgiving other people, they have the problem forgiving themselves. I had to find it in myself to forgive me for not taking the chances that presented themselves to me, i had to forgive myself for not studying a little bit harder in my classes and not pulling that A out in my math class, even though i was more then capable, i had to forgive myself for isolating myself in order to protect myself.
I have been told by numerous people i have terrible communication skills and i used to think they were dramatic but when i thought about it, i realized there was some light to their words. i do not like to talk to people who i know i have to see everyday and deal with for my life simply because if you tell people how you really feel, you might as well be alone, because words are never all the time nice, and that is where we find the beauty in the rain for which people bring.
I am aware i hurt people in my life and i am sorry, for hurting others while i am hurting but i am not sorry for ever expressing how i felt when i was hurting, due to the fact at the time that is how i felt and nobody is entitled to ever say they did not hurt somebodies feelings. I used to listen to people who told me i offended them in a way i would think well if you didn’t hurt me i wouldn’t have to hurt you, then it came to me i did not want to become the person who had hurt me. And i used to hate when people would tell me i reminded them of that person, and or reminded them of somebody who had hurt them. So i used to do petty things to get back at them, and i remember telling my rain person all about it, and they had asked me ” what had i gained by being what they claimed i was” and that was enough to get me thinking.
When things go bad we as people blame the world. We blame the people who did us dirty, we blame our parents,friends,jobs,education,where we grew up but the problem lies within us. And i had realized i was never blaming anybody but myself, and so many people would want me to tell them what was wrong and what the problem i was dealing with was, and i realized it is hard to tell people the problem is you, and nothing can fix a problem within you but you. THe only thing that made me realize and want to fix it was the person ho had bought the rain in my life. putting everything into perspective and taking the time to listen more then talk, and those people will either drown you or cleanse you so pick the rain wisely.