I am incapable of love. I fall in love yes, but never stay in love. I love to be wanted, but do not crave it to get through days, I love the idea of a family and kids and husband, but i love the idea of creating my own world and brand souly for me and by me. I am a selfish person because i do grant people the power to get close to me and i sure as hell do not let myself fall in love. I got bigger dreams than marriage and kids and a family lifestyle.
When i talk to people, and try to picture myself with them it is fun the first month or 2 then i hate the idea of it. I hate committing and i hate shrinking and slowing my pace. When i am single i am free. I do not have anybody telling me what to do and or how to do it i simply can do as i please. and when i think about being 21 or 24 hell even 27 I do not want to be in this routine and schedule of work and cooking and cleaning picking my kids up from daycare, i used to want it i wanted it bad but as time passes and the more i am learning about myself as a person i realized ill need to have a man in order to have kids and be in love and that is a job and a job i am not signing up for anytime soon nor in the future.
I blame princess movies for this rave of needing a man to be happy in life. I blame society for feeding women to aspire to marriage and children. Life is so much more that, and that is a nice thing yes but it is not the only thing. Ever since i was little i knew i had a problem, with relationships. I am bad, i will want you so bad one day then the next all interest will be gone, i do not know why that is how i am. I live for the chase. I live for the getting to know each other and learn the in’s and outs the lifestory i love that part, it’s a rush. but then when people want to settle and only have each other, i run. And i was told it is abandonment issue, that am scared of love because i never had love, and many other reasons and the truth is i just do not want to live my life like the rest of society. I have honestly found peace within myself and the idea i may never meet my soulmate, and i am done stressing about trying to find somebody and build, because i can build all by myself.
When I look back and how i dealt with relationships and guys i was always the one who apologized first and try to kill the tension, but now fuck apologizes. I will say sorry when i mean it. i look back and realize i did nothing wrong, and would get blamed for everything, and made to feel like i was crazy. however if expressing my feelings and not stopping what i have going for myself to build a “man” up that is an issue.
relationships are supposed to be mutual. not 60/40 50/50. J.Lo said it best in her song ” I ain’t your momma” I will love somebody, i will help somebody build themselves up, but i am not anybody momma. my life does not stop when you say stop. my goals and priorities are not going to be placed second for you to be placed first. It sounds selfish and it is selfish but it is who i am. I am going to do what i want, when i want, and do not have to answer to anybody about my choices when it comes to my education, work, and social life.
My family alwyas ask why am i still single, what is the probelm. and the “problem” is i love the money and i love my independence. I get a rush of chasing my dreams, i get high off of acoomplishing things on my own, and i adore the fact i do not have to answer to a damn soul regarding my choices. i have moments where i want a relationship then come to notice it is only the attention i want, then from there i realize if i want attention that bad i better call my dad, my friend kat, who by the way has a youtube channel that is dope as hell
( that is the link)
or simply just look in the mirror. when i look in the mirror i fall in love with myself, and i know peolpe are going to love me for my soul and my ambition.
If i fall in love, and with whoever it may be, i will love them, and i will support them. if they wanted to sell ice cream at the grand opening i will help them scop. if they wanted to join the circus i would help them find the best damn circus in tow, but i will not sacrifice my goals and visions to souly focus on theirs. I am not you momma. When i have kids is the day i will place myself second and my child/children first. but until that day it god, then me, my time, my goals as my first priority. everything else is second.