Relationships are nice, it is a amazing feeling creating a bond with another person when you truly think about it, it is like a breath of fresh air creating new friends and getting to know them. when i think of all my friends i get amazed how they were once strangers. How there was a time when we did not know that we existed and it did not bother us nor disturb our everyday life then fast forward to now how we freak out when we do not hear from them at all in day, now what do you do when the person you love is no longer fitting into your life, and everything you are becoming and aspiring to be they do not see it, when you are growing and they become complacent, how do you cut the cord between you and the person you care about the most?
I have a hard time turning my back on people, i forgive and attempt to see the good even when everything is ugly, and in a way it destroys me inside. I am not a spiteful person, and i am not one bent on making people taste their own medicine, if anything i always try to save the day. The saying ” the ones we love the most hurt us the most” and it is true because the ones we love the most sometimes do not know how to love themselves, and loving somebody who does not know their own worth is hell, and it a hell that you either going to walk through with them and stick it out till the end even if that means forever or you are going to get tired and wipe your hands clean. And that is where i find myself asking myself why wasn’t i given the ability to cut ties and keep it moving without looking back.
I have been lied to , unappreciated, used, forgotten, and left and i do not look at it as a pity party if anything all it has ever done for me was made me want to be a person that does not hurt others the way others hurt me. However hurt people, hurt people and i know i hurt people. And I am sorry for it because looking back i know some people did not deserve the treatment i given them. I have my father’s temper with my mothers mind and together it is explosive. I have a huge heart however i do not like dealing with people i feel are complacent and unaware of who i am.
My goal is always to change, i always want to be better than i was yesterday and for some people they do not get it. In their head it is not clicking they told me ” i act funny” or ” do not act like that is not you” and yes i may have been that way in the past but that is not who i am now, and just because you are stuck in that phase does not mean i am.
When you know it is time to create some distance create it!
I love everybody in my life like they are family, i can not walk away because i will feel bad, i hate the idea of abandoning people. I hate the idea of ever having to do it and the idea that i may have done it to people within my life. there has been people in my life that left and i miss them, but they made their choice. i have had people come in my life leave then come back on their own time and on their own terms and i allow them because a part of me is weak. Apart of me wants them in my life because i do love them and love makes you do stupid things, however i am not going to stick around and take everything i do not like just because i love somebody, because as much as i love them i love myself more.