Everything feels so small, from my car, to the space in my mind that is supposed to be used to save information to the world. I feel like everything is beginning to become smaller because everything is starting to change. I am on this new clean eating diet and i have been doing pretty well sticking to it, i have been wondering where it is i truly want to live come fall, everything from friends to makeup to food it is all just changing and for once i feel like i have a sense of control over life just a tad bit.
I look back at what is and is going to be the past and start to analyze the way people treat me now. And it is not very different yet it is still different. I feel as if some people are afraid to really talk to me because nobody wants to admit they were wrong, and just say i am sorry. And i learned to forgive people who were not and never will be sorry and keep it pushing. Come may i will have been out of high school for 2 years and when i think back to graduation day, I had a idea but not a plan for my future, then come today i get my AA on June 26th and all kept thinking about when i got the notification was why the hell was i so worried 2 years ago, I always pull through everything so what was so different about this journey.
I rarely do things right the first time, i usually get very far then fuck it all up but then there was today when i realized i do things right the first time when i stay out of my own way. Growing up i was the oldest and being the oldest you are set to this standard of being a “role model” and i think having that standard made me want to do the exact opposite of everything a role model is supposed to do. I did not like school and made it known i hated it, i displayed non-role models behavior growing up i was sneaky as hell, i would like to get out of things and get away with things i was what some may refer to as a bitch, and the more i realized who i was back then i wish i could back and thank her sense of being able to detach herself from the world.
College has been and is kicking my ass, I have failed that ideal oldest child stereotype, i did not go ivy league, i only attended 1 homecoming ever in my high school career, i did not play a varsity sport, and i did not make the typical ” this is my child” showcase on Facebook, i was just there. And by being there i was either just going to live a there life or i was going to do things for myself and by all means if i had to i would do it by myself.
I hate celebrating things with big crowds, i hate birthday parties, graduations, holidays i hate going to forced events. I say this because i prefer to celebrate with those who were there for it all, those who actually want to be there, those who gave a damn way before the finished product. I did not have a sweet 16, and i used to be soooo bitter about that, i did not get excited over graduating high school because i was finalizing a chapter and my family could see me walk, If anything i realize when i am around large crowds i get pissed off. I hate being around people who are there because they have to be. when i celebrate things i prefer people who want to be there, the people who woke up that day and looked forward to the event and were happy about it, not the ones who woke up and thought ” damn i have to go _____ today” It was when i was thinking about this i had found myself thinking who was the one person who has never let me down and when i thought about it the more and more i realized why i stepped out of my own way this past year and half.
I did not do it to be the ideal older child, i did not do it to become anybodys role model, i did it because out of everybody in my life i know i will always have me no matter what. Through my rise and fall I’ve been a friend to myself. I have given myself multiple pep talks about continuing when all i wanted to do was quit. there was times when i told myself i was fucking up and needed to clean my act up and get it together and focus on what matters. I have always found comfort within myself, i am a prideful person i do not ask for help unless i really need it, i admit when i am not satisfied and do what i have to do to fix it, and most importantly when i really need somebody to be there i got me.
When i read the email regarding my AA i wanted to call somebody anybody and let them know but it was when i was scrolling through my contacts nobody’s name popped, nobodys name screamed them them, it was when i was just staring at my phone and when it locked and went black, i was staring at myself and that was the person i wanted to tell and brag to. In 8th grade i wrote myself this 3 page letter about how when i was older regardless of what anybody has ever said about me and done to me i would be somebody better then them, and i would eventually get why things in life happen. It was when i had this news and nothing but a locked phone when all i wanted to do was tell my 13 year old self
- you should of never ever ripped that letter up, because you were right and you will really really really regret doing that when you are 19
- you chose marketing, business and you actually really really love it and shockingly you are the GOAT at it
- GIRL YOU GOT A COLLEGE DEGREE, YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO COLLEGE AND DID IT, YOU DID NOT RUN OFF WITH A GUY, OR TAKE A LIFETIME BREAK, YOU ACTUALLY WENT AND PASSED AND GIRL YOU ARE HONESTLY LE TO THE GIT
When i had first played with the idea of college i did it just to shut everybody up, because i was not going to give anybody something else to talk about how i did not do and how i have messed up, but when i started and went to class i realized i was doing it because i knew the world had more to offer me then some 9 to 5 job i hate, i just had to work for it and had to want it.