Today was a day for thinking, thinking about the people I have hurt and made them feel anything less then their worth, weather i had done it intentionally or unintentionally we have all made somebody feel as if they were not enough, and i thought about the people i have and realized i never really formally openly, more publicly apologized. So i thought I would take the time to formally do what i wish some would do for me.
He was your everything
I been in your shoes, multiple times. i been on the outside looking in so many times i could probably write two novels about what it is like to like somebody head over heels for somebody else. Then i have been in situations where i knew i was in the position and didn’t;t really care. it is easy to forget how it feels to be hurt in a situation where we feel nothing but love and appreciation and that is where i say ” i am sorry” i am sorry that i became hooked in this idea that your feelings had no value and you were just a bug on the windshield of my life and how it was me me and more me. Granted the boy may have been mine your feelings where still yours and they were still real. I am sorry if you ever felt as if i was “better than you because reality is i am not. sometimes the person we want the most isn’t meant to be for us. and when we see them with somebody else we are allowed the opportunity to analyze them with another person, and how they react when their upset, do they hold the door open for their partner, do they pay attention when they talk or is their face in their phone. sometimes the person getting what you believed to be your person was your blessing and their lesson. And He was my dream guy i say i am sorry.
You just stopped talking to me
I have stopped reaching out and speaking yes, but i will never not care about you and how you are doing. I have lost many friends throughout the years, and even some family members whom i do not speak with and have no desire to speak with simply because i am not with forced conversation and not about to force myself to make others feel love from me when it is not there. And you honestly might have been somebody i was no longer the same as anymore. you may have enjoyed to partied and i wanted to stop, you may have enjoyed to study and i wanted more of a social life. So i just stopped talking, and i am sorry for that. there are some people i never gave a reason just simply ” we are not working anymore” and the explanation i can say and is the truth is the second you make me question who i am and where i came from you might as well be ready to get cut. The second you tell me something i enjoy doing ” isn’t me” and if i am trying to make positive changes in ym life i am “acting funny”. I am only 19 still learning about myself and i can not play with who have no idea of sense of self, however i am sorry i can not help you understand the importance of being your own person and realizing energy is everything and you get what you give, and i am a patient person but i could no longer be patient with you.
You said you liked me and played me
I am not somebody who stays around long for relationships to blossom and i told you this. i told you in the beginning i haven’t been in relationships for years and you ignored it, i told you i am social and liked you. i promised to never play you i never promised to stay, you made that promise for me. Relationships were never my thing ever, i am all about the steps and feeling you out. Calling me pretty and texting me good morning every morning isn’t a gateway to me wanting to be with you. what is mt cats name, why did i change my major, why do i prefer to sleep on the wall side of the bed, why do i only tell my sister Athena everything and nobody else, why do i blog??? calling me pretty and texting me the same questions everyday re-worded will do nothing but remind me how there are 7 billion people and yet nobody seems to want to get to know me for me. So if i ever “played” you i am sorry you never asked the small things i dedicated the conversation to asking you about/ waiting for you to ask about. In a sense i never spoke up and intentionally dragged you along with no feelings for you what so ever, but when i was not matching yours and you were not matching mine, i simply decided to let it go and cut it off. And for you feeling as if i played you i am sorry.
Summer has one more month then people go back to school, and routine begins again and there will be a time where we will no longer have to go back to school, a time where we will no longer have the set routine we have had for years, a time where everything we once known will have changed and we will have to change as well. And along with the change comes memories and the past always will repeat itself. Unless you decide to change and learn and grow from every situation. i never woke up and wanted to make somebody question themselves and i have, and i am sorry. And i do not want to be anybody past and have them think how much they hate me or how bad of a person i am to them, so i will be the first to say i am sorry.