Being beautiful isn’t always physical

There were days when i lost money. there were days when i lost friends and there were days when i lost myself. And the feeling of a lost is one of humbling and fear. Those who have pets, and when they run away or they are not at the door to greet you, your heart begins to speed up and you begin to think of all the possible worse things like ” maybe i left the gate open” or ” maybe they ran out the door after me”. Then the fear of not being able to find your phone or car keys and you think the worse again ” i will never be able to drive my car again” or ” somebody is going to get ahold of all my personal information and see things they do to need to be seeing”. However sometimes a loose isn’t really a lose but in the end the ultimate win.

One day i lost a whole 50 dollars. i had set it on top of my wallet in my purse which was over the shoulder, and this was around christmas time last year. I was sick, I was 19 and i have always worked for my money and everything that i have i had paid for. And the thought of somebody being able to washout on the 50 that i had worked for made me mad. So i had went back to my car pissed and upset and the whole drive home i was thinking of all the things i could of got myself with that 50. I could of got food, some clothes, hell i could’ve bought my damn global kit. however i couldn’t;t do any of those things because my 50 was gone and i was crushed.

The following week I realized i was not going to be going back home to Atlanta for Christmas and i was going through it with a old friend. we hadn’t been speaking in months and when we did speak it was only in regards to them lying about everything then me catching them up in their lies. And that week we were fighting about who each was dealing with and why were we so stuck on pissing the other off.  And it wasn’t the petty back and forth we were both sending low blows and getting really into it, and that was when i watched them become somebody i didn’t;t know anymore and did not care to know anymore.

And this is where you expect me to continue the drag and the series of bad luck but there is no downhill and no sad ending i simply took the bullshit and made it into something that is productive and makes me happy. I know i am capable to find the light within the darkness but the question is really for you the reader, are you able to dig yourself out of your own hole?

20 year old me reflects back to 14 year old me all the time. When i was 14 i was a freshmen in highschool and my mindset was people do not owe me anything and i do not owe them anything. i was rude, i was very blunt, yet i had a security around me that did not let anybody in and it was really me in my own little world. then 20 now it is the opposite, i try to be nice, i hold my tongue a lot, and i let anybody in because i hated the feeling of only having me when i needed somebody. However i have my days like any human where i really need company in order to save me from myself. then it was last night i was thinking i didn’t;t want to be alone at 14 because i didn’t know myself at 14 but 20 i am in the process of becoming who i always wanted to be, and i was so confused as to why that scared me so much.

My dad always told me i can be anything i want to be, my sister always believed in every dream i ever had, My step mom always told me find a channel for all my anger and frustration and my mom taught me the lesson of loving something so much and that sometimes love means letting it go to grow.  And everybody in my life each taught me all different lessons but each lesson holds value.  Last night i was thinking 5 years from now i will be 25 and that is scary. i could have kids, i could be in the career of my dreams, i could be sick, i could be anywhere doing anything then i thought what are people going to remember me for right now and what do i want them to remember me for when i am old and gone.

for the pass months i think about my grandma Hall everyday, i always replay the 3 things she always told me 1. stay beautiful 2. stay smart and 3. stay kind. When she would say this to me i never let it stick. i would say oaky and never really thought then as time passes i wish i could tell her i get it. she was never referring to my physical features it was always internal. There were people and situations where i wanted to and sometimes have acted really ugly and evil and it was not a smart decision. It was a situation in the beginning of this summer that had changed me and made me realize I was not working hard to prove anybody wrong, i was not doing what i was doing soupy for me, i was trying to become a better person and attempting to change because she had prayed for me, and i owe it to her to be the person she seen when everything about me was broken.

Sometimes i will hear her telling me the three things, or i will have the random flashbacks her telling me to fix my attitude and watch my mouth and it brings me back to the reality of i am not perfect and i can not expect others to be.  I talk to her all the time when things go to shit because i know she has the answers i need, and though sees not here to physically tell me she shows me and that is all i need.

It was last night when everything had just seemed to be broken and done, i had found the purple heart necklace i and planned to put in her casket. I had not seen this necklace in over 5 years, i had moved from michigan to georgia back to michigan and it has not been in my sight since.  It was when i was packing up the last of my things cursing out people’s children in my head and thinking about how people suck and so on i seen the necklace in my little pink box and it stopped me, it scared me then i felt a rush of peace.

I thought of her 3 rules, i realized me talking to her was not pointless, and i realized her prayers for me had been helping me and my prayers to have her help me had been answered. That moment i stopped thinking about the people i wanted to answer for doing me wrong, is topped thinking of every bad thing that has happened to me and i realized my good outweighs my bads by miles and miles.

i am 20 going to school studying medicine and researching different health topics that i love. i have friends who will listen to me complain about the same thing over and over and will not tell me to shutup. i have two cats to whom i am their beyonce, and i have the gift of writing and sharing everything and having others relate. You can either spend your whole life being angry and spiteful towards others are you can simply chose to be kind and realizes time heals all wounds when we get out of its and our own way.

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