Not waiting on waiting

Today i was asked what was i most  thankful for in my life, and i had to stop and think, and while i was thinking everybody had said their family, their health friends things of that nature, cliche and typical, then i thought about my life and i was most thankful for my ability to be alone and not be driven crazy by it. growing up my parents were not together, and i was never really the favorite to neither of them, having siblings who actually were good in school and listened to what they said to do, i realize why i was not a fan favorite. 

I got boiling blood, i do not really idolize anybody nor really care to be in the presence of others majority of the time. I do get lonely at times and do appreciate company but these past months away at school i realized i do better and am overall better when i am alone, simply because that is what i know and have became adjusted to living. i have friends i love, and family as well but i do not die if i do not hear from anybody, i am honestly more shocked when people do call me and check in with me. I was a fun outgoing kid when i was younger, i liked being the center of attention and begin talks about then the older i got the more i despised being talked to and about, simply because i can feel when people are not genuine and i also do not like being around people i do not like. 

I have people that i love, but prefer to see and speak to them here and there simply because nothing about them does me good. You can love somebody with all your heart but that does not mean you owe them the time of day.  I have went years without talking to my mom, and weeks to nearly months without calling or speaking to my dad i have just never been big on small talk. small talk kills me in way simply because i would rather be left alone then half assed. 

To make sure i wasn’t going crazy in class i began to really think about how much i go out on the weekends and how do i feel after, and the answer was nothing. i didn’t;t meet people who i felt like i had a connection with and i honestly felt like i wasted a outfit to just get hit on by the same people i see around campus who don’t seem to see me when i look like the typical stressed broke college student. It was when i made this comparison that i realized i was thankful for not only being comfortable and content alone i was also so grateful for the people that seen me when i didn’t even see myself. 

Lately i heard myself saying ” i need a boyfriend” a lot, i believed that having a significant other in my life maybe i would feel different, and that maybe it would be better for me then always being alone. I had always saying how i wanted a big family and to be a mom and wife then as i grow closer to the age are things like that begins to become reality i realize that involves me letting people in my space, and letting people in your space allows them to disrupt it. 

I prefer quality over quantity, i have talked to multiple guys at once and it was all fun and games until i realized i had no genuine feelings for none of them, and ending up letting them all go and burning so many bridges that i have no clue that i might need in the future, and i would feel myself missing them and their presence in my life. i would miss one simply because he had a deep way of thinking, then the other because he was such a joke and took everything as a joke and kept me mellow, and the other simply because he was dumb and made me feel smart. and when i was in bed thinking about missing them i realized i was missing myself. 



relationships are supposed to be a bond, something beautiful and fun not something to have because you are cold, bored and lonely.  I had a friend tell me a relationship will teach me how to be more vulnerable and compromise and “calm me down”. it made me think that people really view relationships as some type of game, and that it changes everybodys life and makes things all rainbows and butterflies and makes you better, when in reality if you want to be better you can do it by your damn self. 

I got myself internships, not in  a relationship 

i got myself into and am getting myself through college, not in a relationship 

i am learning how to forgive and compromise and accept people for who they are, not in relationship 

and learning to love and accept love and you guess, while not in a relationship.


i have never needed a friend, or a person i learned at a young age to become who i ever needed within myself and throughout the years i just got better at giving me what i need when i need it and became wrapped and content within myself, and the more i seemed to pressure relationships the more i felt rained, irritated, angry and exhausted simply because nobody could give me, me. 

I have been thinking about the question all day and it has been bothering me simply because holidays are approaching meaning family time, and the typical same questions, forced conversation and the only thing that always changes really is the weather. Overall yes I am extremely thankful for my friends and family health and all that, but most of all i am more thankful that i have the ability to have me through whatever. I am thankful i am self-sufficient and do not seek completion through another person.  Some can call it isolation, or the inability to accept love, when i view it as simply loving myself enough to not accept bullshit. 

you can either give yourself 100 percent  and be alone and wait for actual fulfillment or accept glimpse and pieces from somebody else in order to not be alone…. choice is yours. 

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