January 30th has officially been the longest day of 2018 to me. Literally from the events that took place to the actual day just long. Last night I was in bed scrolling through Twitter just thinking to myself about how school and work when I began to think about how in 30 days into the new year I was already over people.
I have a journal filled of people who did things snake like to me and good things they did for me just basically a people journal I was scrolling through the pages when one name triggered me. I was writing about how this person was this and that. How they were genuine and all these amazing things however last night they were none of those things and the only thing I could say about them was that they were fraud as hell.
It was when I was about to drag this person in the journal and to some of my friends it hit me. How am I supposed to find peace in war? I’m a writer I am good with my words and I remember everything and I’m not afraid of sharing anything that I have gone through or what people did. I’m not going to lie and say I spared this person strictly because I want peace I did it because of regardless how they treat me I know I still and will always care about them to a certain extent. It was easy for me to write the good about the person because I knew that’s who they were. I knew the person had no ill intentions I knew they weren’t hiding any alternative motives, I just knew. Now when I was sitting there about to write the bad I realized everything I was about to drag him for I probably did to somebody myself and I was right about my assumption.
This person was a great guy, honestly a great man. He was kind, genuine and he expressed his feelings way better then I think I ever can or could. But when I had it I didn’t appreciate it, hell I didn’t even realize he was this put together until he basically wiped his hands clean of me. Which was about 3 weeks before this message he sent last night. He was all about trying and building and being positive everything I was trying to do with the other guy expect in this story I was the asshole. It’s not always true you don’t know what you have till it’s gone, what’s true is you don’t appreciate it until it leaves and doesn’t return. That’s when the value really starts to break through.
When you’re needing it and it’s not there and replacements work but you know the original was the best. It was when I read that message I put my pen down and decided I wasn’t about to drag the person for what they did, I was simply going to say a prayer for them and then go to sleep. I felt like a contradiction praying for them, I wished them peace and happiness and good health and every word I said I meant yet I felt sad. It wasn’t more for me but for the other guy.
I finally understood how I made him feel and that shit was terrible. I don’t want people to think of me the way I think of the other guy, hell I don’t want anybody to be so upset with me their anger turns into a prayer because they feel I’m that damaged and need help and guidance from above. I didn’t want anybody to think of me as the person who showed them you can meet new people with the same soul as the person who previously hurt you but them being worse because you shared that information with them and they knew the wound was still healing.
I’m not going to lie I stared at that dm for like 10 minutes and locked and put my phone down closed my journal prayed for the boy who hurt me and then more importantly the guy I hurt in the process. Two prayers wishing them two different things in life but my heart in the same place for both. Peace. To the guy who hurt me I wish him nothing but the best and it’s no hard feelings at all simply a lesson.
And to the guy I hurt i hope he doesn’t hold a grudge against me or thinks back to me as that stone cold game playing bitch, because it’s a title I believe I earned but as a lesson and possibly a funny person because I know my jokes made him laugh a couple of times. In life we are going to hurt people and others are going to hurt us. You can either fight the fight with more anger and fire or you can fight war with peace, and that’s the hardest fight I think I ever been in. Keeping my heart and intentions pure when I feel fire in my body and desire for revenge on my mind. It hurts now but in end end life and its lessons come and go.