The Social Suicide Note

Today i deleted every thread out of my phone, and cleared my snap conversations and am on the fence on disabling my instagram and twitter and completely disconnecting from the internet world, and regaining a presence in the real world. Starting in September i had began to feel myself changing and loosing grips with what was real and what was temporary.  And as of today while looking back on the old messages, pictures and just rethinking it all i realized I was never lost in another world, i just was not living up to the reputation that everybody had about me and that led to huge disconnect. 

People see thousands of followers, and see that they’re athletes and instantly jump to conclusion. People hear about you from somebody you had sex with and then boom form a whole theory about who you are and what you are like. People simply see you begin to put together all these stories about who you are, where you came from and what you are like, and it is honestly insane. 

For Starters Social media is simply just that, Social media. nothing more nothing less, there is nothing special about it. You see what people chose to share, who they chose to follow and the image they have on the internet. I follow over 4000 people and know only 200 something. Yet I can tell you that some have a lot of friends others do not have any, some love animals others hat them, some are parents and others have no desires for kids. i can tell you what some ate, vacationed, where they went to school everything but i can not tell you who they personally are as a person, but from the information they provided i feel as if i have enough to piece their whole life together and that is where people begin to put their foot in the mouth and make themselves seem foolish. 

My social Media contains selfies and pictures of me having a blast looking good. Nobody looking at my social media would know from October to beginning January i was so unhappy and beginning to give up on everything. I had become good at hiding how i felt by doing other things. I got a job, i even studied whenever i had the free time. i would go the library and take notes and re-read what i read days before simply to keep my mind occupied on things other than how i was felling. I had also entertained people i had no business nor genuine feelings for. I was in a situation where i felt alone and in order to not be alone i would kept all the wrong company. 

However my social media showed the opposite. within those months i went from 5 thousand followers to 8 thousand. I was getting likes and dm’s telling me how pretty i was, how people wanted to be friends, and how i was “goals”. I seemed to have fooled everybody around me and those that followed me because the girl they were praising was honestly a front.  I was not ” living my best life” i was honestly hating life i was sleeping in on days till 1pm laying there wondering why was i even there. I hit the worse low i think compared to my 16 year old phase. I would go to class and sit through lecture and my mind would be everywhere but lecture, I was so confused, sad and angry.  I seen a side of myself i never knew. Behind closed doors and in the back table in the corner  of the library I was falling apart and nobody even knew because i had it together on social media. 

Fast forward to end of October Beginning of November I felt the same but i had my front down to a T. I had put all my time into Human Anatomy, and partying. I lived with  other girls so weekend we would party, that was my coping mechanism. At parties i could escape my reality for a few hours and be the girl on my instagram. I was at every party every weekend, and that did keep me distracted for a good majority of time until then i started to get mad at myself for even leaving the house knowing all i wanted to do was stay home and really try to get myself together. 

When I began to feel frustrated about going out, i began to calm down and figure out why was i feeling this way.  I analyzed everything and everybody around me when i realized I knew who i was but was still learning about myself , Yet had people just had a piece of me, whoe never spoke to me a day in their life just “heard” about me and where forming whole perceptions about me. 

Yes i follow Athletes, and yes they follow me. Yes i have a lot of followers, but i also follow half of those people back. Yes my boobs are in some of my pictures but they’re also on my body. Yes i party more than the average person but my JOBS allow me my weekends off, and yes i have social media because i am just like any other 20 year old college student… What about me is so damn interesting to the point you feel the need to sit around and talk about me and my life?

What goes on in another persons head to make them to interested and stuck on somebody they do not even know? you have a sold image of me, do you under stand that. This is coming from the actual source my instagram is not me as a person. It is the best or the prettiest smallest moments in the bigger picture. Hell it just might be a damn picture i want to post to post, nothing more or less then that. 

You saw me on your phone screen, iPad,tablet, computer screen or at a party hell you might of even sat by me in a lecture but realize you only seen and see  the parts I chose to share. Never once did anybody ever come up to me and simply talk to me. Those months i came to see why people really lose their mind and break.  I was surrounded by hundreds of people, i had thousands of followers and nobody aside from my grandma and friend Zaria asked me was i okay.  I was so connected and worried about by other people  for every reason aside from simply myself. 

I had the grades, friends, looks, and I never in my life felt as alone as i did in those months. I had a job i loved, volunteering doing what i love, yet i had nothing because i had nothing to give or take from myself and that was the worst feeling. 

On thanksgiving break when I went home i had decided i was going to leave western and move to florida, I thought maybe escaping the state would help me. maybe it wasn’t me but it was the location. So i un-enrolled ,subleased and moved back home to work and get out as fast as possible. But it was when i was home everything began to click and all fall into place. 

My first night back home i slept, and it was the best sleep i had since the summer. I had got a job as nanny, got my volunteer hours back and began to get back into the swing of things before the dark hole i hit, and i remember one night sitting in bed praying for a sign to stay in school and that my major was meant for me, and that the people around me were meant to be around me and the next morning everything was answered.  

I was invited to San Diego which i leave for in less then 15 days for school and my major pre-med, i lost contact with people who were everything but good for me and where i wanted to head, and i remember that day i thought back to one night in the library during the fall semester when i literally sat at the table in the back corner for 2 hours sitting there looking at my notebook reading my scribbled writing  ” why are you here”.  ‘That day i couldn’t even answer my own question. I did not know why i was there and that broke me. But that night i could fill that same notebook with why i was there and why I did not leave or break yet. 

As the weeks passed i applied to jobs and internships and as of today i got both jobs i dreamed of one job even been rejected from multiple times ( been trying since 2016). I am going back to western and finishing what i started where i started because with time and the trial i eventually came out on top. things i was trying to make happens for years to months here finally started to happen for me, everything i had planned in Florida Worked itself out in Michigan beyond my imagination. 

Days like today when everything is great and i feel happy beyond words i think of days like that day in the library where i felt so alone and useless and remember exactly how i felt.  I posted a picture a selfie from 3 months prior and watched the likes go up, and the comments and the dms all these nice things, but still a blank piece of paper, and numb heart.  I remember heading back to apartment trying to keep my composure together and not let it show i was done with it all. It days like that one that days like this one so special to me because they make me who i am. 

Social media is fun, it allows you to meet new people and connect with people all around the world, but it is not reality, it is not who you or other people are. Learn to disconnect and learn yourself. You are not going have perfect days everyday, pass every test, keep every friend. You have to be in tune with who you are as a person and learn to understand not everybody is going to be as happy as you or for you and will go out their way to make you feel bad, and place their insecurities and build a reputation on you. Just know yourself and know the light will eventually come and cancel out the dark. 

 

3 thoughts on “The Social Suicide Note

  1. You are the first person to describe the trauma of living in two worlds. The artifice of the perfect virtual image and the aching isolation of your actual being. You seem to have weathered it well. Your life will have ups and downs; but now you know you can manage the worst, i.e. self-disappointment, discouragement, and depression. Good luck, stay real.

    Liked by 1 person

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