Falling apart to come together

Today i watched this interview of somebody that i used to know and i am still in shock about how times changes as well as people. You can spend years knowing somebody, months weeks, days, minutes and it will only take one thing, one event, person, action for them to change into somebody you know longer know or somebody you would have loved them to be when you two were still around or with each other. 

Fairytales do not always have a happy ending, you will not always end up with the person who you swore was your forever, you will not mend the fence for the 2nd or 3d time around, you will not get the person you want, and you will come face to face with heartbreak. But the good thing is there is not only one fairytale in the world.

I watched this interview and they were talking about themselves beliefs, values, and future goals and they had answers and visions and it was no longer ” i will take it day by day and deal with it when the time comes” they were actually driven and preparing for the future. 

You will meet people who are good people, just at bad timing. I know some people believe that there is no such thing as bad timing but there is. timing is everything and you cross paths with people for a reason and never by accident. And that person can simply not be who you need them to be at the time or what you want them to be and that is where you have to learn to let people go and stop trying to force them to change. 

I was and would force change upon people, it was how i was. I would not like something somebody did and or i would not understand it and try to force change. And that is where i had them messed up and others had me personally messed up. When you bring a problem to somebody about themselves do not present it as a ” i hate this about you” because people get offended and defensive. Example being i sued to hate when this one guy would feel the need to vent to social media about everything, at the time were 16 and he would share literally everything and anything. and i told him about it and how it made him look weak and weird and how he needed to stop because he made me uncomfortable reading it. Then that table turned fast when somebody my senior year told me to stop being so mean to people and actually try to be nice and not a bitch to everybody who tried speaking to me. The guy who bothered me his writing was his outlet. It made him feel comfortable and gave him peace and my bitchy ways kept me protected from people. nobody would talk to me or want to be my friend if i was completely unapproachable. And that is where i realized i messed up i and walked away from something that made me who i am for the comfort of other people.  

I do not get off on being a bitch. but naturally i am not super friendly. I have become used to people coming and going in and out my life on their time and terms and i could say it did not bother me any more than it did before in the beginning. Where i began to lose a grip of myself was when i started letting people in. I began to give people the time and attention and the love i had kept to myself for myself because i felt like the world was already hard on people who was i to be hard on them?

When i decided to not be hard on them the world seemed to want to be hard on me 

  • At 17 I was Alone i learned You are either going to sink or swim when you are thrown to the woods blindly and you are going to make it for yourself by yourself if you have to. 
  • At 18 I was Content and Starting to Warm up to people I learned that you are really all you have. nobody is going to hold your hand in the dark and pat your back and tell you i will get better, you better be able to pick yourself up and try again. 
  • At 19 I was beyond social I learned that just because you go into things with good intentions and genuine feelings does not mean the feeling will be mutual and the energy will be reciprocated. 
  • At 20 I am building a wall, and it is a wall to keep people out. Not everybody is meant to be let in. Nobody ever stress’ the importance of keeping people out .Not all people are good people and not all time spent together needs to be spent together. 

I put my faith in people and have been let down numerous times. When i had faith in myself and stayed to myself and kept things to myself i was content i learned to be there for myself and work through things on my own. It was when people where pushing me to figure out why i stayed to myself and kept everything to myself, or when people would ask me was i angry about life and how i wasn’t close with my mom i would get angry at them for asking me a stupid ass question like that for starters and secondly worrying about it when i never even expressed how i felt about it because it was nobodies damn business about how i was feeling. 

I was watching this interview and so stuck on how much the person had changed and found themselves over the course of the years. It was amazing to see the small pieces they use to struggle with fall into place and to see them content and happy and self knowing was all i ever wanted, and they found it when we fell apart and that was the beauty in it all. 

They went to make their dream a reality and have everything we used to talk about them having. I am almost done with undergrad and then off to grad school. I can name qualities i look for in a person, know what makes me tick and doesn’t and lastly i know that changing people is not the way to go about making a person more understandable. 


6 thoughts on “Falling apart to come together

  1. T’yanna,

    do you have some image
    who, where, what, how, why
    you should be, or not be?

    tempting to look in the mirror
    looking for tweaks and angles
    answers, even for a little while

    so much pain and sadness
    from people who have used you
    attracted to who they want you to be

    protective armor sounds so good
    to keep you safe from all that abuse
    but it just seals in the poison anger

    going back and forth, open and closed
    seeking and hiding, loving and hating
    what a terrible pendulum to swing

    there is no out there out there judging
    even if you have a hard time believing it
    you are doing the best you can every day

    the truth is, no one is in charge of you
    or for that matter it does not matter
    as long as you don’t die from your mistakes

    all those things you have said you want
    and gotten what you thought you wanted
    and found out you had fooled yourself

    what if you put away all the mirrors
    and things that camouflage the truth
    what if you just enjoyed a walk outdoors

    i know that may sound scary and silly
    but no one has to know what you are doing
    just noticing all the things that are not you

    it is so much easier to smile at who you are
    when you look at yourself at a safe distance
    Spring is coming soon to renew the world

    Liked by 1 person

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