The only person I sleep next too and know for a fact they will be there when I wake up In the morning Is my sister.
Growing up i became so used to change. I was okay with moving schools meeting new people, and I was comfortable with being around people i did not know due to the fact I was able to adjust and make the best of my surrounding. One thing I also mastered from the young age was the principal that nobody and nothing is forever and you are going to have more nights of sleeping alone then you are having somebody to sleep with.
Growing up my parents were always frustrated with me because I never thought “positive” when In reality I was never good with lying to myself. I knew what was and what wasn’t. They wanted me to chanel my anger regarding my mom not being round when in reality I was never angry I was simply confused. I remember watching movies and tv shows and the mom and daughter were this team. The daughter could go to the mom about anything and everything, and the mom was there everyday every situation. And I had my dad and my stepmom who tried to be that but In all honestly I never wanted anybody else but my mom which led to me setting my expectations low and myself swearing off relationships.
I learned how to apply makeup back in 8th gray from watching my friends and girls in the bathroom during our lunch period. I learned how to file my taxes by going step through step task on turbo task. I learned how to file my fasfa by going over it in a class my senior year. I learned how to master the concept of being “sneaky” by having nobody aside from ym sister to confide in because I was not trying to be picked apart and my business told after asking somebody to keep what i said to themselves. I learned how to be alone when i realized i mastered how to be everything but myself around people.
Now I wasn’t living my life being somebody else I simply was living my life around everybody and everything to the point of it being about 5 percent of who I really was. It is easier to be the mean girl then it is to be the nice social outgoing one. It was easier to shut everybody who was close to me out because 1. they can’t hold water and 2. they thought I was angry when the whole time I was simply annoyed and trying to figure things out for myself at my own pace. It was easier for me to lose friends verse make friends because I know people have no problem leaving but when they want to come into your life there Is usually a motive to the purpose, and I was pretty over trying to think and analyze everybodys reason behind It.
At the current age of 20, I have became content and comfortable with not having anybody. I look at my friends and family members in their 20’s in relationships or married and then there is me. I make tweets and statements about wanting a relationship when In reality I could meet the perfect guy and still tell him I don’t want to be together.
1997- I was born
2000- My sister was born and I had a best friend, had no idea how much she would become everything to me
2005- dad married, had a son ( my brother) I had a stepmom a new home, family, school, life
2007- I graduated 5th grade, everybody came but my mom
2009- 7th grade I think being good in school will somehow make people stop asking me do I miss my mom, stop saying I am this angry person at the world, and mostly will It finally give me the phone call I been waiting to get from my mom
2012- We move to Georgia and still no call, i graduate from 8th grade started freshmen year still no word from my mom, and to a point i did not care if i got anything from her.
2014- I started worrying about college, how i was going to afford life after high school, where was i going to be and do. Me and my family where all at odds they thought i was angry and i began to be angry out of spite because i did not need their support i needed somebody to simply leave me alone and stop trying to consuming me.
2015- I graduated, Had planned my after high school life, my dad and stepmom voted ons making me move back to Michigan ( did not have any input on this decision). Decided i was going to make the best of it and do everything i wanted to and not explain ym actions to anybody
2016- I only told my sister and Grandma everything i was doing and planning to do. I forgave my mother and understand why everything had to be the way it was. I found myself getting irritated when my dad or stepmom would call or text me asking how i was and giving me advice on things i never asked for advice on. Mostly when they would ask how things where with me and my mom. Simply because i never was angry at her and when i seen her after all the years apart all i felt missed pieces coming together.
2018- I am majoring in something i actually love, I realized my “anger” was simply the fact I was not kissing anybody ass nor appreciating anything that is non-genuine. I have been thinking about what everybody said to and about me growing up and it is the reason i do not call or reach out to anybody simply because they knew it all back then so they can know it all now. Because when i need help i do not go to them simply because i know who has me and who simply says they do to make small talk with me.
When i went home this past christmas my dad told me i have no substance, and then he went on to compare me to my sister who is very liked amongst her school, prom queen, friendly, and highly involved amongst her school. She is an amazing person i admire her and put her in high regards. It was when he was going in on his comparison of us both i started to laugh simply because this man was not funding anything i was doing or planning on doing. Hell he probably couldn’t tell i was at my ultimate breaking point when i came back home. When i went home i analyzed everything and that was the moment i realized I will forever be alone before i ever settled for less than what the hell i want.
I will not be anybody’s step-parent, I will be damned if i have kids who are not from the same man under the same marriage, and lastly i will be beyond damned if my kids turn to everything bad said and done to them as motivation.
I am one of the few people i know who turns to the bad and makes it all flip to good. the people who i know that did this are consumed by their rage and act soul out of spite. Now i would be lying if i said some of my moves and comments are not spiteful but my good outweighs the bad.
As college graduation approaches faster and faster as these months pass i realize i am going to have to bite my tongue and suck my teeth…. then i realize i am grown and not under anybody’s roof anymore so i really don’t need to go along with anybodies show anymore. My grandma put the most money towards me when i really needed it and just because. I would not be in college still if i didn’t have her, hell i wouldn’t be sane if she wasn’t around. Hence why she is the only person aside from my sister i tell everything to. She was the first breath of fresh air i had in 2015.
People will label me being content with being alone with abandoment issues, daddy issues, mommy issues, it will always be labeled issues. when in reality non genuine connections and relationships are so damn consuming and toxic. It’s funny my family can go on and on and on about how much of a troubled person i was growing up but can’t even tell you my major or minor. They couldn’t tell you where i work , how my semester is going, what I’ve been up to, and hell a trait of mine that contributes to my substance.
People wonder why i prefer to be alone and why am i still alone it is because nobody ever took the time to call or simply talk to me and not at me. Sometimes all you have to do is call people and stop pushing your insecurities and past demons onto others who are working on their own. I have tough skin nothing anybody says to me or about me shocks me or hurts me because nobody really knows me. I am probably one of the most complex hoe, mean, angry, spiteful, self destructive, bitch, sweetheart you will ever meet. So before you text me or respond to this blog because you are triggered ask yourself when was the last time you called me and asked me how i was doing, to not know what i was doing but to genuinely check in on me and make sure i was straight.
think about that.