Dear, Mom

When I was younger, I always dreamed about what Mothers day would be like with my mom. I pictured us making breakfast, watching movies, going out, laying in bed just talking everything I have seen on the movies I wanted to recreate with her, but growing up she wasn’t around. 

Growing up I had so many mixed emotions towards her, I knew that she wasn’t around when she was supposed to be, and I knew she was the only person I ever wanted around all the time. Out of my 20 years of life, I never found myself saying I hated her. I grew up around people who didn’t have their mom or Father around and would curse their name and say how they were going to shit on their parent/parents and how they wish they were dead so and so forth but I never felt any animosity towards my mother simply because never once in my life has she made me feel wrong for how I feel. 

When I came back around mom she never fed me the sap story of nothing around and or how she was sorry and I respect it beyond words. My mom was the first person to knock me down and make me pick myself back up and dust the dirt off. There was no safe haven it was two options, get up and do better or fall down and stay down.  I never got the matching jewelry sets out of her, or the mommy-daughter dates, but what I did get was the best lesson I think so far into my life which Is, learning to let the people you love go when you can’t be the best to them. 

Growing up I acted “wild”.  I talked back when I would defend myself, I was a “bitch” when I would defend myself or begin to shut down on the people around me and overall I was a “negative being” by simply being. Growing up I was either going against my dad and stepmom or against other people, and the older I get the more my attitude has become more and more selfish. 

If my mom was not going to be around I refused to settle for a stepparent. I refused to turn my mom and view her as public enemy number one simply because I knew in my heart she was not my enemy nor against me. I hadn’t talked to her in years but I knew she loved me and I knew she never went out her way to do shady shit to me. In no ways is she a saint but the thing I respect most about my mom Is the fact she never tried to play the victim role in my face. 

I never got the ” I did you a favor” or ” you did well by doing this that and that” speech she came back in my life and we picked up where we left off. Now she should have called me but she didn’t and when she did it was always seen as it being toxic because she would say she missed me and all these things and then never would come, but the crazy part about it all is everything you do in the dark eventually comes to light. I think people forget people grow up and learn things for what they are when they can see things for themselves. I asked my mom everything I always wondered growing up and She never directly gave me an answer but I discovered the things all for myself bu myself and completed the puzzle on my own findings. 

It is hard for me to hold anger towards my mother and her not being around because I have her now, and when I look at her I forget she left. My confusion with her has always been even though I wasn’t around her much growing up I identify with her on so many factors. My mom is a person of secrets. You don’t know what she’s doing unless you ask or catch her where she is. She is not that big on family events even though she attends she doesn’t force conversation and or relationships. When I look at her I see myself. I know she has a pure heart but I don’t think she see’s it for herself. 

I know it was so easy to tell and talk about all she has done wrong, but I realized she has done well for me more than any stupid thing she did badly. When I think of her I think of my life. Growing up I always felt like I was misunderstood by everybody. My dad said I acted like my mother and my mom said I had traits similar to my dad than my own twist of things. As time has recently passed I realize I am a product of my father, yet I am my mother. I tell her things I would never talk about with my dad, I tell her how I am feeling and what I am planning, she knows a majority of what I am doing. 

Thinking back to my childhood therapy sessions they all asked me ” what is the real issue you are dealing with” and the answer was I was always missing people I knew where out there but couldn’t reach.  I was well aware I was tripping but I was in Hell. Imagine being stuck in a place where you are told what you are and how you feel and how to channel it. Imagine acting out of what you feel and see your age then being told do better, people your age do not act like that and to talk more but when you talk everything is remembered and used against you in the next argument now imagine missing the one person you know who will get you and understand where you were coming from but you can’t talk to that person because they are toxic. Now in your head and heart you know that the toxic is not real and the other hand how do you go against the hand that has fed you and sheltered you, eventually you have to choose a side to be loyal to and that is where I unintentionally made my decision, I never went against my mom. 

I don’t need nobody. My heart broke on my senior prom. when i say break i had multiple ones before but that day something in me truly changed for the worse. I was all done up like a doll and that day I wanted nothing more but to runaway. I knew it was wrong to be so selfish and upset that day but i felt a different kind of emotion in me that day. I went with my friends had a great time but that night I laid in bed and thought to myself how it could not get any worse than this. I hate my school, was anxious for graduation because I had no idea where to go or what to do, I hated my dress, my makeup was very cliche and I looked like the first did every day at school, and there was a full war in my head but I had nobody to even tell what I was going through because they didn’t deserve it because my self-inflicted hell was all of my doing because i ” didn’t know how to let things go”. 

The first night I was back in Michigan after moving back I cried myself to sleep. I cried for the fact I was no longer under the same roof of my sister Athena, I cried because I had graduated and for 3 of my 4 years of high school all I ever did was want it all to end and disappear never enjoyed it, and how for so many years of my life I had emotions I never got to express because I didn’t know how to without being ripped apart for having them. 

Then, 3 days later I spent it with my mom. Within the moment in her car just listening to the radio and the sun in the car and summer in the air it was that moment I realized why  I held on to my belief. I felt comfort, I felt like I could fall asleep around her, I felt like I could talk to her, I felt like I could be myself and not have anything is aid held against me or repeated I felt for the first time at home. 

I am not the nicest to her, and I gave her a car time in the beginning, I have talked about how the things she did wrong by me and I realized she did the best thing she could of ever do right by and for me and that was the chance to feel my emotions towards her and be myself around her and lastly, the chance to live my life to the best of the ability, with people she knew who could give me more then she could and for that she will always have my unconditional love and forgiveness and will always be my mom. 

I like you the way you are. The conversations we have one on one honestly refreshes my whole energy simply because I can talk to you and I know you are listening. I know I am not the easiest or nicest person to deal with but you understand me and that is something most people can’t do. Sometimes I feel like you are being overanalyzed and I know this because I do it to you, and have people do it to me. But overall regardless of everything you have always been the person I have and will always want around, regardless if I am angry or beyond excited I get you and you get me. 

2 thoughts on “Dear, Mom

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