9 people, no company.

It is easy to drag men, Hell in a way it is kind of fun because you get to let out all your emotions and frustrations on them and it in a way can be therapeutic, but when you step back and calm down you stop and wonder ” what the hell am I so worked up for” who in the hell hurt me this bad? 

Some of us have daddy issues, where our father was the first man to drop the ball on us and break any form of trust and love. Others like myself personally don’t believe in the idea of commitment. I know it is real and around but let’s be real nobody is trying to be tied down in their early 20’s. Guys my age are everything I want but do not need nor are they attainable. When I go into any relationship it is all or nothing, not committed when I want to be committed and single when somebody attractive, new and fun comes around. I don’t think it is fair to myself nor partner to be in a relationship while I am still curious about others and have an urge to act on it. 

Loving yourself has to be number one to loving somebody else.

I am a mess of a person. I tend to do things I know are considered “taking a risk” but life is all about taking chances and self-discovery. When I was 16 nobody could tell me I wasn’t about to be a wife of an athlete and live this easy peezy lemon squeezy life. I had the boyfriends, the plan, all I had to do was set it in action than by the age of 18, I started to think more for myself, and that is when I learned the difference between reputation and awareness of self.

My Reputation and True self-go hand in hand.

My reputation came from things I said and did while being myself, and that is where people correlate the perception of knowing you. I believe I am different from the everyday person, I tend to share everything I am feeling on my blog, and never hide anything I have done. And I believe that is a factor in the reason some days I feel as if I am drained. I give to the people who are afraid to speak for themselves that read my blogs and tell me they are glad somebody else can relate and are openly speaking on the topic.  And so far the age of 20 I learned a lot about myself and my reputation. 

 

Big Reputation 

When I have heard about myself from other people there have always been 3 main components and they are 

  1. I am stuck up, I think highly of myself and believe that people are irrelevant and annoying and that nobody can keep up with me, and I am just this bitch. 
  2. I am “wild”. I am always flirting, talking to a new guy, always out at a party always on the scene in the mix. 
  3. I have distinct “type”. I go for men with power, status, and money. I do not give anybody the time of day unless they come from a certain group, ever.

 

Self Awareness 

My reputation in a way is me but that is not even starting to scratch the surface. When I would talk to my friends about how I was frustrated with people and their perception they had of me I realized they got that by 2 things, the vibe I give off and the things that they hear and have heard about me.  The whole stuck up theory is not accurate. I simply do not like conversing with people who show no interest in speaking first. I hate bothering people, I do not like making people feel annoyed and or bothered I prefer to stay to myself and my group of friends because I trust them. Me being ” wild” make me laugh because there is really nothing “wild” about me.  I was a virgin till I was 19, And everybody I ever had sex with wasn’t random guys I met that day. I actually shy until I am comfortable which takes time for me to warm up to people. You see somebody at one party, and or hear one story and build on it. And for me having a type now that is kind of accurate to myself. But the kicker is I grew up with having a type. I like men who work for what they have, It inspires me. I like the fact they worked to get where they are at with no handouts and continues to chase their goals and dreams and be better. Everything about it is attractive, It shows you are willing to go above and beyond for what you want. I know for myself personally, I put no limits on my abilities and to see a man who thinks the same… I am attracted to him. 

When I realized I was discovering things about myself men go through the same phase 

I have really like a guy but was curious about another. I was with somebody and would wonder what it was like to be with another person. I have had somebody mean the whole world to me while liking somebody else, and it made me feel like a shitty person, but I at the end of the day am a damn person. I have had guys tell me I simply waste their time and or will eventually play them in the end, and in a way they are all right. I am 20 I don’t know what the hell I want out of a husband, because a husband is going to raise my kids and lets say I was all about you from 18 to 22 then when we graduate I realize everything about you was perfect in college life but real world you are nothing I want nor want to deal with and damn sure don’t want my future kids raised on. That is where my curiosity comes into play. 

I would rather know what it is like then to live wondering “what if” 

I really really liked this one guy back from September until like February. However, I was curious about other people while I liked him. Granted I could have tightened up and got into this relationship mindset and tied myself down to 20 and worked out my flaws and became a better version of myself for him but what about me? Sure he was an amazing person with a  good heart, but what my time to be young and free? what about me being able to learn what I like and what I don’t what makes me happy, sad, excited? If I was going to give him everything I have what was I going to have left for myself?

Being selfish is sometimes needed 

Growing up I stayed getting called selfish when in reality I always knew I had to put myself first in order to maintain a level of sanity. I knew sometimes if I let people talk to me and about me crazy and not speak on it, it would die out but that is my pride. I knew if I listened to people’s way of doing things it would make things easier for them but it would make me upset. I know certain people want me to act and carry myself a certain way that they believe would be better for me but is not true to who I am.  Being selfish has caused a huge amount of tension between me and family members and some friends, and has also lead me to learn that you can not change somebody who’s still on the path to discovering themselves. 

I was getting mad at people who were in the same boat as me, just choosing to steer themselves a different style than me. 

It is so easy to slander men. It is easy to go on and on about what they did wrong and how they did this and that when in reality they go through the same shit as me and us as females in general. Last night I was thinking about one guy in particular who I swore up and down was the biggest piece of shit and hoe and all these things in life because I was upset about how he went about a situation when in reality I never once reached out to him after the situation and at the beginning of knowing him never asked him questions about himself everything was always centered around me, me, me. 

The act of forgiving 

Majority of the people on this earth are not waking up every day with the intentions of hurting other people. Sometimes our curiosity leads us to find our happiness and hurting others along the way. The guy who I really really liked but was curious about others while liking him, though I lost him I discovered huge parts of myself. I was telling him things and everything I said I meant, and I pray to God he really knows I do mean it but my actions added up to something else. He had everything I thought I wanted and needed but it was only the beginning of it all. When I met him he was a breath of fresh air he was something new fun, different from my regular and I loved it. But when I got it, it was nothing I expected nor seen myself truly being happy with my whole life. Which led me to other people who taught me things about life and myself. The guy now will look me in my eyes and not speak, will go out of his way to make sure I can feel the tension between us and the vibe fo being unwelcomed around him, It was actually him that reminded me how certain guys made me feel like a time filler females are capable and do the same thing, and to him and anybody ie ver made feel like they were nothing to me I am sorry. 

 

Sometimes we lose the reality of the fact we are all on our own personal journey. finding thins out for ourselves by ourselves, Then when we find a person we click with we become this team. But sometimes though everything is pointing to becoming a team, you have to learn to function for and by yourself.  Sometimes I catch myself putting myself on a set time to accomplish things such a getting a boyfriend, then proposal, the first child when I need to be devoting that time to building myself. So before you start to drag somebody, Ask yourself have you been in that person’s shoes before, and or are you currently in the same boat and are they just using a different technique to get themselves by and continue moving forward. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s