sometimes I feel like the universe and I are best friends. Growing up I would always think to myself of little sayings I could say to the world and responses it could give me, and the crazy thing about it was I would always get my answer regardless if it was something I wanted to hear or something I did not care to hear.
When I was 6 i came up with ” when the trees sway everything is going to be okay” I came up with this when I was outside of my great grandmas house with my mom, and my dad was on the way to come and get me and I was about to start my life over with him my sister my new step-mom and unborn brother. I remember standing in the driveway with a lump in my throat, a red-hot face, and a feeling I will never forget it was one that doesn’t have a name but if I could compare it to something it was near death. I knew at the moment I was not about to be the same person once I got in the car, and I knew the next time that I would see my mom we were going to be complete strangers.
That whole car ride I looked at every tree, and there was no sway in the first 35 minutes, I was devastated about to lose my mind.
I remember my dad was asking me about how life was with my mom, and him telling me about my new house, and how he had a wife who had my brother and how I was going to have this whole new life. I remember looking at him and only thinking about a swaying tree, Thinking less if I would be okay but how my mom was going to be.
The whole car ride was him talking and all I could hear was my own heart in my eyes and the taste of a lump in my throat and every strength I had in my body not to cry in front of him, I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him or want to be with him yet I knew just as much as I needed my mom she needed me.
I remember I didn’t sleep that whole trip to my new “home” I stayed up and when we pulled up to the house there was this huge tree in front of it, and I remember looking at the tree and it was the ugliest tree I have ever seen. Their leaves were all gone, it was covered in snow and it was a brownish black color. I remember my stepmom standing in the doorway smiling with the door opened, she looked so excited to see us and all I could think of was the fact I didn’t see a single tree sway.
That was the beginning of feeling the rage I had in my heart. Back in December of 2017 I had that same rage lighted back up. This time it wasn’t because of a life change or a large move it was the fact that I was begging for a tree sway and all I got was cold dark night drives. I never resorted to drugs or alcohol to compress my feelings, I shut down. I draw back from my friends and family and begin to try to balance myself out by myself. It was when I was balancing myself out I was trying to figure out why the hell emotions I had were there when a situation wasn’t relevant to have I realized I never forgave myself and or truly paid attention to all the signs I had throughout life.
The car-ride to my new life, a tree never swayed but the stars were out and bright, and my grandma and mom always told me if I can see a start they can see it too and we will always have each other.
My 5th-grade graduation my mom didn’t come but my grandma did and she always told me how my mom missed me and loves me
8th grade when I took those sleeping pills, I threw them up 30 minutes later and was dizzy the whole night, woke up and felt refreshed
10th grade when I started a new school, I met my friend Taylor who was new and hated nearly everybody and everything I did and we were both mad at the world together
12th grade when I had to think about what the hell I wanted out of life I was introduced to journalism and broadcasting, and all these opportunities in the world past high school
At 18 I forgave everybody who hurt me, began to find things to do to keep myself busy and began to work towards my future
At 19 I became angry. I started piecing things out myself, began discovering things that I was never supposed to come across as well as being compared to other people I should never be compared to and I was frustrated trying to uphold an image I never aspired to hold
At 20 I damn near lost my damn mind. debated dropping out, moving and finding my purpose. I had be-friended the fakest most two-faced bitch ever, I had people who I do not know never had a conversation with discussing me with other people and shedding a very dark light on me and I had people who I never had sex with talking about my sex life with other people. I have seemed to become the topic of conversations for people I can’t even name because I truly don’t even know them.
It was when I was starting to think the universe was out to get me, how much it really had my back. Growing up with my mom was not there I always felt her presence and knew she was never too far. When I hit the bottom of bottoms and debated on ending it and when I tried to end it I threw up, and went to sleep, dizzy as hell but woke up the next morning. I was placed in situations where I was supposed to break and fold and simply stop trying but I never allowed myself too and the signs were always around to keep going.
I will never be perfect, and I will always mess something up that is the nature of being human. I personally believe the Universe and I are one because when I sit down and think about everything I have been through and all the situations I have asked for a sign and it was given to me isn’t a coincidence because when I think of the Universe I think of God.