I have been looking for excuses as to why I seemed to be losing everybody I was once super close with. Aside from the pillow talk conversations about me, speaking down on my name and throwing dirt on it. Everything seems to swell. It was when I was sitting thinking and analyzing who I was and why things seemed to be going all to shit I realized this is exactly what I asked for, I prayed for all of this to happen.
Growing up my Dad was beyond protective of me. He wanted to know all of my friends, their parents, what their parents did, everything. And my dad always told me everybody who’s your friends isn’t your friend, and to be careful who I trust. But me being me I never listened. I didn’t want to think that somebody I loved and cared for would have their own personal motives. Or simply would want to self-destruct and expect me to be a good friend and stay near to watch it when in reality, when you love somebody you don’t watch them give up on themselves, you walk away.
I had a friend tell me they never read my blog, I had one friend tell me since I had more than 3 bodies I was for sure not going to find a man to love me wholehearted because I am not “pure”. And I even had a friend tell me that chasing my dreams was pointless because it was going to leave me lonely. Growing up my family always said I was too friendly, and I never thought anybody could be that until recently. I am no stranger to the fact that people get off track in life. I mean not even less then 6 months ago I was near suicidal and so confused as to what the hell was going on in my life and what I wanted. And in that hole, I realized what a real friend is, and what it is like to be one.
I would see all the signs that I and a person were meant to be apart, and ignore it. I would literally pray give me a sign, get the sign then disregard the sign. The breaking point for me was when I had got into a disagreement with one of my friends and they pulled the victim card on me like their life was not satisfying to them because I put them in a position to live this ” shitty” life. I never put a gun to their head and told them to stay, hell I never even asked them to stay, I actually encouraged them to leave the situation, numerous times. they chose to stay, they continue to chose to stay. So when I was thinking about the person and situation I realized everything I had asked to be shown was right in front of my face not for the first time, not for the second time, but the third time, and in all honesty I don’t want to work anything out with this person and would prefer to keep them away from me.
At 18 I was forgiving and quick to let people back. 19 I would fight the fire with fire and get petty back and now at 20 you can go, bye nobody is holding you back please leave and stay gone. Friends argue yes, but when I was comparing friends to my other friends I realized there is only a select few who can NEVER handle situations as friends should. I have one friend who I never fight or argue with, ever. we have disagreements but never to the point, we stop talking for some time because we communicate. Hell, I have a handful of friends I do get into it from time to time and we laugh about it right after. but these ” friends” who play the victim role and make it all one-sided and that as if their friendship is a gift to me, they got to go.
Nothing in my heart changed towards old friends, I will always have the love for all of them but I am not going to continue to make amends and go back to being close. Everybody was raised different and they may never understand where I am coming from and may not care just to not care. I will always want them to do well in life and be happy even the ones who I can not stand I want to see make it, just not with or around me.