Looks are extremely deceiving. I learned this while hiding in a room at some party and having guy burst in and begin to make small talk with me. And I remember how confident he was when he was telling me about myself He just knew I had rich parents, a well-off boyfriend and partied to rebel and experience a temporary high… needless to say, he felt like a jackass when I broke the news of my reality to him, that my parents did not have money and were 19,20 when they had me. I was dealing with multiple men in an attempt to feel a connection with one, and I partied because it kept my mind off the two other issues, and I had asked him why he thought that about me and he told me ” you don’t look like a girl who damaged” and that made me look at myself in a completely different light.
I spent years trying to figure out why I and my dad seem so similar yet he is the hardest person for me to connect with and talk too. And how I could go years without seeing or speaking to my mom but be so open and honest about what I was feeling with her. When I changed my major my mom knew 2 months before my dad, she knew about the guys I was dealing with, she knew the majority of what was going on with me, and my dad knew life through my snapchat and Instagram. And one night I wanted to talk to him but knew he was either asleep or about to go to sleep so I thought about other people I could talk to and felt like I would be bothering them so I turned to the moon.
I remember sitting on the deck and looking at the moon and feeling an intense amount of emotions. I felt relief, sadness, happiness, anger and refreshed. I remember sitting out there and thinking about how I had so much to say yet I felt like everything I was thinking about was being handled in the silence under the moon’s light and summer breeze. I remember just sitting there and thinking about how this night I was alone but for the first time, I felt like I had somebody with me. Ever since I was young I found peace in looking at trees and the moon, and it was that night all I had to say to the moon was ” help me get it together, and keep it together.” and lately I feel like I have been seeing people for who they truly are and things for what it really is.
I recently purged my Instagram following and just life and some people crawled back in and me being me I let it happen, because apart of me is too forgiving and wants to believe people will change when in reality some people will always be shitty, and you have to learn to let it be. I have talked to men who loved their job more than themselves, some men who loved themselves more than anything, others who still seek the popularity from their former college peers, hometown legends, men who find their worth in their career or former popular reputation so on and so forth. I realized I was caught in a space they called their home which was only knowing self-worth and value through the opinions of others.
When the drunk guy in the room called me a damaged girl I realized I had done everything in my power to hide that side of me, when in reality it was who I was, and should change and stop running from it. Because the whole idea of me being this girl made me realize where a lot of my stubborn ways are rooted from and why they are there and why I am the way I am.
A lot of people always ask why am I still single and why haven’t I given anybody a chance and in all honesty is I don’t know how to act when I like somebody enough to want to be with them. There is always the idea of him leaving in the back of my head and I can deal with guys I truly don’t care for leaving but the ones I like I really never fully get over it. So to avoid going through that I fill my time with fillers. the guy who is too obsessed with himself to think about me, the one too tied up in work to devote free time to me, and the one who wants to be liked by everybody hell get bored with me because people will only want to talk about T’yanna for so long.
As some of you know, last fall I couldn’t get people to shut the hell up about me. I had a reputation, and I remember just wishing and praying it would die and go away, then I realized I was given a reputation by people who can’t even tell you they know the person in the mirror looking back at them.
It was one of the conversations I was having with my friend this past weekend and she told me how through all my bullshit I stayed persistent on only 3 things and that is how she knew I still cared and that I need to address feelings and be more honest with myself. And the honest thing Is the broken girl isn’t me, slightly wounded yes, broken no. Do I have an unhealthy habit of hiding from people I care about hell yeah, do I have a habit of allowing toxic people back in my life with the hopes they change hell yeah? but once issues are pinpointed they become changed, and with that being said…..
I hope you reading this has or finds inner peace and enjoys the series of my ” broken girl” testing times over the past year.