It takes a lot to hurt my feelings, And it is near impossible t break me. Every time I feel the most down it was because I was mostly disappointed in myself. I had to learn to listen to the voice in my head and come to the realization my heart is always going to have a bias towards everybody I have a love for.
I kept secrets I am not supposed to keep, I did favors even when I didn’t have the room to help myself, I protected people who should have been thrown to the wolves, and I forgave people who truly don’t even deserve to look in my direction. A lot of people say it is because I have a big heart when in reality I think it is just me being stupid. We can sit around and all day and discuss how people can change and how people can be sorry, however, everything is sent from God, but can also be hand wrapped and delivered to you straight from the devil.
I had ” friends” sit around and tell other people how I was a slut and a bitch, and how I was a mess and didn’t really know what I wanted out of life, yet be the first person to ask me how life was going. how I was feeling and how certain situations I told them about were going. Same friends who would hit me up and ask me for my help to get a certain guy to notice them, what to say to a message, you know what friends usually do for other friends.
I had family members sit around and tell me they felt I was better off staying pre-med, how I would make more money, attract a better quality of men, and how I was ” slimmer” while majoring in that field. I could go on and on about how shady people can truly get but I will leave it at this.
I would be lying if I said I never wanted to give people what they give me. I could read my friend to filth if I wanted to. I could write a book about why they can’t people around and how much of a shitty feeling it has to be to be somebody new every day because you have no actual sense of self. I could rip my family member apart for not having the damn courage to go against what the family has to say to do what you truly love, and also how it must suck to be alone in life, but I kept comments and feelings to myself one because I had love for them, and two who the hell was I to rip people apart by the flaws in their life.
Last night somebody thought it would be funny and cute to write me off fake snaps and threaten to kill me, and call me all types of names and be funny and cute, and at the time I am not going to lie I was bothered by it. Because it is hateful and childish to do that to people but mostly because I knew this person is either my friend and or somebody who has no legitimate reason to have so much hate towards me. And honestly, I really am curious to know why so many people are so interested and obsessed with being so concerned about me and bothered by me.
The death threats are what got me to write again because this is not the first time whoever you are has threatened death on me, and I never really responded to you but I know you read and watch and the answer is even if I was to die today, you will still never be me. How the guys that like or used to like me that won’t change. The people that love me unconditional will still love me, I will still have had everything you seem so envious about and lastly, everybody that loves me now will still love me after.
I would tell you that you are types of miserable evil and ugly but I feel like you already know that about yourself. Instead, all that I have to say to you is thank you. Without your animal like messages, I probably wouldn’t be writing right now, and I wouldn’t even think that everything I do and post is watched so closely.
in my heart, I believe I know you, and I believe you were around when I was at a low point, and you stuck around until I pulled myself out of it and moved on and that bothers you. I found light and you still wander through the dark. And that is something you will have to work on in your free time and work on within yourself. but killing me and hating me won’t kill your demons, my friend, not even in the slightest form.
thank you for making me realize how much I missed writing and realizing how much I missed it, your darkness gave me more light.