Recently I have caught myself having conversations with people and looking them in their eyes and going completely deaf when they begin to speak to me. I will read messages and skim through and take key parts out of the message if I cared enough to read it. About 2 months back I cleared my closet, and other things and gave it away. I took myself off a career path I was excelling at in order to follow my true passion, and though I am hurting people as I go, I finally feel like the love I have trapped inside me is going back into me.
3 years ago I was 18 and ready to take on the world. I believed in the idea people where all happy to an extent, everybody had dreams they were ready to chase no matter what and mostly that no matter I would always be who I was that day. The day of my graduation I had it all figured out in my head. And I knew at 18 who I was going to be at 21, then here I am and if I was to meet myself at 18 I think I would love the mindset I had but also feel bad for myself for believing the world was going to track itself with what I wanted with who I wanted.
I have never been the type to dream of marriage. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but a wife was never a goal. When I pictured my future I sought the ideas of wealth, health, stability and happiness. I knew if I could be happy with who I was and what I did then I would be unstable. I never grew up pressed about the story of Cinderella or the idea that life would be truly complete and hold meaning once I found somebody to build with, life was never about finding a man/partner to me, it has always been about finding me.
I know, you’re reading this thinking ” wow this bitch is selfish as hell” when in reality, I am honest with myself. I can’t sit up here and tell you that wanting to be a wife is bad, I can’t sit up here and tell you that wanting a family and relationship is what is right and normal and I think in a foreign concept. But I can sit up here and tell you I always dreamed and prayed about success and wealth way before I sat down and asked God to send me my soulmate… I know for a fact I was not born to aspire to be somebody’s person, that is not in the books for me, and if to say it is, they have the wrong T’yanna.
I had real discussions with family and friends about why I still am single, and the reason is I know for a fact the day I decide to settle down, is the day I decide to settle for less than what I want out of my life. I have watched so many people waste away after getting into relationships, and always hear about how people had to give this up. sacrifice that, and loses this, and I feel like love is a beautiful thing. I do believe it is a true gift to love and be loved, however, I believe the biggest gift that comes from love is the gift of choice. And the choice I made when it comes to love, Is myself.
I do not want to be Cinderella or Susie Homemaker. I do not sit around and think ” how can I better myself for my future husband/family”. I do sit around and think about how can I top what I did this time last year. I had one guy tell me I am a company fine. That I enjoy having people around but not meaningful relationships. And at that moment I got offended and we got into an argument about it, but looking back he was right. I know a lot of people and have only 3 friends. 3 people, I am 100 percent open with no matter what I am going through. And in the guy department I latch to those who are like me, set in their ways and content with being solo and living solo, yet still desiring the company of somebody, only when they want it.
One day I may fall in love and rave about how it is so amazing and understand why people turn down their dream job, the opportunity to live in their city, just letting their dreams and goals die in general. but for now, I have to be selfish because selfish is how i not only desire for myself but what i deserve for myself