That Blink 182 song

All the small things, matter. They mean the most but we usually pay no mind to them until they are no longer around or being done for us.  I look back and realized seeing my friends M-F mattered a lot to me back in high school. I enjoyed hearing about how somebody new tried Taylor’s patience, and how Amanda was ready for the weekend again because she couldn’t stand school even though she had the better grades of me and Taylor combined. While reminiscing of high school and childhood things I missed I remembered a question somebody recently asked me and it was ” what was my favorite song”. I answered with Lana Del Rey  Teenage wasteland when in reality it was all the small things by blink 182.

You came into my life when 1. I wasn’t looking and 2. When I didn’t really want you too, I had no intentions of ever really speaking again but more being nosey and trying to see what you been up to and mostly how were you doing. I had added you on snap because I feel everybody is their true selves on snapchat, and all you had posted where memes regarding women who were undateable, quotes about only trusting yourself, and things regarding football ( typical you things). And I felt like you were being dark on that app so I waited about a week until I found your Instagram and decided I should follow you there, because everybody on that app is perfect and I wanted to see the front you had on that app, but you were still the same person there as you were on snap and I was impressed, you didn’t tweak yourself one bit. And by following you I opened the flood gates because from there you dmed me.

And we connected again like old times. we talked about everything and laughed, I had forced myself to actually listen to your ass-backwards explanation on how women and men can do the same thing sexually but only the women are going to be labeled the whore. I listened to a lot of things and talked about a lot of things, and you became honestly one of my best friends, and for that, I am grateful and thankful I got to know you again. At the moment I felt like everything we had was right but before the end, I always knew me and you were never bound to be a forever thing. You were put in my life for me to truly commit to myself and I was put in your life for a reason you have to discover, I can’t help you with that.

Thank you for telling me what you told me, you really did not have to but you did. And though I hated you for ruining what I thought and felt like a damn stab to the back and kick in the damn chest, it really turned out amazing, you gave me not only a push towards my goals but made m,e realize I need to really just focus on and commit to myself.

After you, I started really just focusing on myself. I realized with you I learned patience, I listen to people and their opposing opinions and we talk till we reach a median and it is actually very productive being patient. Consistency too you taught me that as well. I knew if I never had a text in the morning I had one from you. I knew you liked me, and I knew it was for me. But honestly, we simply were not eachother’s match.

You didn’t find the story of my friend showing and shaking her bare ass in the uber funny at all, you were mortified. You thought my one friend who had sex with over 7 guys was a walking disease and you called all my friends whores when in reality I am no better than them. I never told you how I got so lit at a party I made out with one of my ” whore” friends in the back of the uber for 50 dollars. I never told you I laughed and still laugh when I tell people about my friend showing her ass in an Uber. I never shared the stories about me drinking and partying and weekend bar hopping because of the fact you made it beyond clear you had a strong dislike for those girls and I quote ” if you told me you did xyz I would never talk to you again” And though I never did what xyz was, if I ever chose to who were you to play God and judge me for it?

When I think back to us, I am happy we happened and thankful however I am also grateful we ended. With you, I was changing and It was a good change in ways, but it was a change for you. And since we are no longer we, I have been growing and I look back and laugh at us in certain situations. Not working on us had nothing to do with you it was everything to do with me. What you wanted I didn’t and though I could compromise and eventually come to a common ground, that would be settling and you and I both know I can never do that.

I wish you everything you ever wanted in your life, everything. I wish you happiness, wealth, health and peace. And I want you to know I am beyond thankful to have had you in my life. But I am not the person you should miss and not the person who was made to be your person.  I want you to be at peace like I am but that is going to be on your time and conditions. I let it go and moved on and you know I don’t plan on looking back, and I just don’t want you to stagger around and miss me and think about ” what if”. I want you to be happy you met me and for the time we shared, I want you to know though it is dead and gone, looking back our time together was a bunch of small things, that made a big picture. And my picture was one that taught me how to appreciate things and people but also how to let them go and always move forward and chose me when I need me. Don’t let your picture be one of waiting and wondering, Everything that happened for a reason, and it may not make sense to you right now, it has written itself for me and I closed the chapter.

 

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

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