Thankful for the darkness.

Today is the day we give thanks, You can be thankful for your health, wealth, looks, family, whatever makes you happy and thankful and i just wanted to give thanks to what i am thankful for and that is everybody who ever broke my heart, Looking back if i never would of seen how cold the world can be and how colder the people could be i would of never became who i am today, so today this day i dedicate to you. 

1st heartbreak, you were the world to me, when you broke my heart I didn’t know it was even considered heartbreak, I just thought  I did something wrong or something was wrong with me that made you do what you did and act how you acted. With you, I thought a lot of who I was had upset you, in reality, the way you I was all your own personal issues and doings. For a long time, I had a lot of anger towards you, you broke me before I could even begin to build myself. And in a way that made me even more excited to create myself. You have always been hard on me in everything I do and that is why I always am so hard on myself because it was nearly impossible to ever make you proud because everything I accomplished you said “ is what I was supposed to do” in reality you could have just told me good job. It wouldn’t have killed you. But in a way I am glad you never seemed to be impressed by anything I did, because I did a lot of things you never did, and in an I feel kind of sad that I never thought to include you in anything I do because you are literally the last person I want around me when things are going great and things begin to look up because who the hell wants a double agent around them? You being you made me who i am. Despite all the things I have and always will wish you the best and nothing but happiness and peace but one day I hope you come to the realization you owe me some type of explanation, I don’t want to hear sorry from you because I know in my heart you will never be sorry, I just wish I understood why more then anything. 

To the person I never really knew but could always feel in my heart, you taught me the pain of an indirect heartbreak. I had you around for about 7 years then had to wait until I was 17 too see you again. When I met you again it was like I knew you yet you were a complete stranger which was weird considering I had your eyes, eyebrows, beauty marks, and side smirk. I had your traits and everything that made you who you are, play key elements in who i am. It always seemed like the whole world wanted me to be mad at you, when in reality I was hurting for you. Your heartbreak became mine and it was a lot fo take on at a young age. I was defending you when my opinions and perspective were brushed off as bias and incorrect. I defended you to the very end even when you never gave me a reason to, you honestly left me with a million reasons to bash you with others, yet my heart never let me turn my back on you because though I am supposed to depend on you, I know you I on me. From you i learned the importance of being true to myself and speaking up and I when to leave. In a way, I feel like I am everything you wanted to be but never took the opportunity nor the chance to make it all happen, and with that I get a sense you can’t stand me. I remind you of a million things and I feel like when you see me you don’t see me for me. From you I learned to accept the fact love is a fucking mess. I can love somebody with everything in me and sometimes it will not be perfect and the normal society love. Our love is fucked up. But without the way I loved you. I would have never known how much a healthy, stable, clear sighted love means to not only me but others. 

Now asshole, I don’t think I will never stop writing about you, and I will probably never say your name in a post because you of all people know you don’t deserve it. Dealing with you I actually willingly put myself in therapy and wrote several blog post, journal entries and hella texts slamming you because you taught me beauty in the madness. Sometimes I regret not playing God with your life and other times I am mad I let you play God with mines but mostly I am mad I went against my own judgement to talk to you. From the first time we talked you have something in me. Something about you just was never right, yet gave you the chance. I mistake my bad, my dumbass choice. I take full responsibility for how things went between I but I  will never make excuses for all that you did and said. You are by far the shadiest person I have encountered and probably the most miserable soul I have crossed paths with. I could go on and on about you but I am thankful honestly that I loved you before loved myself. because I refuse to ever be that stupid again in my life. You made me see it is okay to be selfish with my time and anything involving me I disrupt my own peace. I would have never loved me the way I love me had you not taken me through hell and back, and the sad part about you is I probably will never have the heart to hate you, and I don’t even know why I can’t. 

The Trig teacher who failed me my sophomore year, thank you.  You were such a fucking asshole you probably don’t even realize it. I spent hours trying to understand what the hell you were talking about while dealing with life outside of your 53 minute bullshit class. My family had moved across the country for my stepmoms job that did not even last for a fucking year, i hadn’t seen nor spoken to my mom in years, my hair was thinning, i was never sleeping, everybody i ever confided in was 12 hours away and i literally woke up every day wanting to just die, but you were so fucking concerned about me understanding SOH CAH TOA.  I hope and pray one day ill be able to see you and be able to tell you fuck you to your face because that is something on my actual bucket list, but until then I am thankful you failed me, because of you I had decided I was going to email my mom and use it as an excuse to talk to her after all the years we had no contact, and she responded and took the class for me online, and from there we I nearly every day. your inability to see that your class was the last thing on my fucking mind made me run right to my mom contacting her on I I I had remembered from elementary school . I you, thank you, thank you, thank you. If you weren’t such a fucking dickhead I would have probably got mercy passed for trying and would have never contacted her. Thank you assswipe.  

I could write a book I to everybody who has ever I something mean and ugly and how have grown from it but these are some of the I people/ and others don’t even deserve to get spoken on. I am in no way I but the way, dealt with the pain is one that amazes myself. I always try to take the good with the bad and the bad with the good and grown and because of you all, I am who I am.  Through all the darkness and downs, found good from all of you and am thankful have lived my life with you all in it. So this have if you feel nobody is I for you, just know I am. 

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