A Legend or Dumb Bitxh

When I told my boss for my internship I was no longer accepting the position and dropping my biomedical major, she nearly cried. She told me how I had a gift, how I was made for this and how she saw so much in me. And all I could say to her was I appreciated her for seeing that many things in me but I knew this was not meant for me, and here is why.

I loved medicine because i knew it was time consuming. I knew it would keep me busy and keep my heads in everything but reality. My reality is I always made up different versions of myself to avoid who i really am. Growing up my dad always would ask me wht i wanted to be and i had the same 2 different answers. Famous, A Vet. That was all i could see myself doing and as i got older and the more i learned about myslef both of those career paths would be hell. Being famous would require me to be happy adn nice all the time and being a vet would require years of schooling and making my job my life.

When i switched to pre-med i knew if i was going to do this i was going to have to do it right a big. And i did. Hell i was the damn truth at it. How amazing was it that the daughter of two young parents was getting all these internship offers, taking all these hard classes, and jsut breezing through pre-med all on her own. I was literally the poster child for the american dream because if i kept it up I was bound to be great and rich and a DR. But when you took away the accomplishemnts, the classes, internships, awards, i had nothing. I was avoiding calls from my grandma because i didn;t have the heart to act happy and okay with her. The only time me and mom spoke was when i called for money because i couldnt work near as much anymore and bilsl were coming super fast. And my dad and i only spoke when he chewed me out about even going to WMU and moving and bitching at eachother over fasfa. It was when all this was happening i realized i was doing all of this for nothing. Who was i and when did i ever want to be a damn DR? Hell when did i even orginaly want to even go to college.

At this time in my life i was dealing with a bunch of other issues beyond the surface. It was more then school going on and it was beyond what my family knew. And it was when i was meting with a academic advisor adn she was talking on and on about the things i needed ot do the classes i needed to take and all this other shit and i remember looking at her adn telling her im done. She looked at me and she had the funneist face like what do you mean done, like you have 25 minutes left of the meeting. But done as in done with this shit. It was when she was talking to me i relaized who i was and where i came from. I didn’t have a big sweet sixteen, didn;t have the big graduation party and get money for graudting high school, I was killing myswlf to be somebody who i never really wanted to be.

I remeber i went back to my apartment and cried, i cried myself to sleep. I had nobody to vent to because the last thing i wanted to hear was how i amde a bad decision, While i laid there in the sad little depressive state i kept thinking about who i was when i was younger. I remember alwyas loving to play in my hair. i would play in my friends makeup and watch tv and watched how they dressed and talked. And i was a huge reader, i read alot. I was very opininated and social and i liekd school but onyl when we were doing what i loved and what i loved was writing, sports,beauty and meeting new people. I remeber thinking of these times and then i instantly went back to when i was 17. about 2 months after graduating high school i was in the same place. I was crying ebcasue i did not know a major, i did not know if college was mt thing and it was then i remembered i lived. That night was dark but when i woke up it was a new day. I had a fresh start to figure things out and leanr more about myslef. So that next moring i woke up and went to my gowmu portal and declared for J school.

Some people made me feel like shit for dropping my major, , Other were proud i was following my heart, and some even admitted they knew i would never last becasue it was not me. 2018 was the roughest year i think i had because it was a lot of growing up i had to do by myself. And i feel like alot of other people go through and are going through what i went through adn feel trapped. Some people will stay in a major theu hate, others will go to college and drive themselves insane becasue it was never the apssion, and others will literally take their own life due to the fact they can not find a balace of safe place in their life to find peace and balance.

If you do not go to college it is okay. If you leave the money family major for the major you love it is okay. But what is not okay is living in hell and feeling trapped in your own life because you are afraid of backlash from people you know and strangers.

The way i view things now is people really never know what they are talking about when they talk about other people. People i am the closest to did not know i dropped my major until weeks after. I have had friends who had some tramauatic things happpen to them and didnt tell me to months later, point is everybody has their own mess going on in their life. Nobody has it all together and if they say they do they are lying.

So there’s the tea. I didn’t quit because it became too hard. I didn’t quit because i was asked to or got nervous. I had enought courage to listen myself and get the hell out before i was too far in. There are days where i miss who I used to be. Then I have to rememebr that version of me was simply a version. Not authentic at all. My love is sports and writing and beauty. And what i do now i love, and am happy with it. And i wish you the person reading this that you do what you truly love, and if you aren;t in the momebt that you fidn the strength to leave what is hindering you and follow your true passion.

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