in 3 years I will be 25. a quarter of a way to 50. And I hope and pray that you are still learning and growing and that you are not content and settled into life. I know since I was younger I put a shit load of pressure on you to be great, and have it all figured out and now all I can ask you is to continue to make the silly mistakes, give the chances even after you swore the situation or person was dead (don’t b stupid with it but have the maturity to know people change and some are actually truly sorry). I just really hope that you left Michigan and tried life elsewhere.
I write to you at 21 knowing it all while knowing nothing at all. I know that you have it in you to walk away from toxic and uncomfortable situations. I know that when you are really truly fed up with how you are feeling you make changes that instant and I also know you lie when you care about people. That is something I hope in the next 3 years you stop doing. If you like a guy tell him. If you can’t stand the friend you once loved let her know. And if you have a family member who had never done a single thing to you but you can not be around with getting aggravated tell them, just sitting there and or leaving abruptly isn’t fair nor the ideal thing to do because it leaves people in a confused state of mind.
I hope that when you get your feelings hurt you stop resorting to listening to your sad ass little girl playlist. You survived the tramautic event everytime. You were sad for weeks very rarely but twice it was months but you eventually let it go. But at 25 hurt heal and move on. Don’t dwell on what you could of done, or what you should of said. Everything that happned had to happen and that is all you can take it as. Don’t forget how mature you were the one time when you wanted to lash out you were that mad. You offered the offering of friendship and moving on and the person turned it down and you let it happen and blocked them adn kept it pushing. You didn;t plan a plot to even the playinh ground and even when you were sad you got right back on the damn rollercoaster of love life and kept it moving, you got better not bitter which leads me to my next point.
One person does not stop the show, and you are not anybody’s life jacket. It is okay to tell people you love no, and you do not have to explain why you said no. You are a confident and outgoing person who adapts to change well but it is selfish for people to know this and want you to adjust with them in their own process of adjustment so they do not have to adjust alone. I hope you start putting yourself first without feeling guilty for doing it. I really pray you stop googling forum about the situation you’re in to see if people see or have done what you did to make sure you were in the right and not being a bad person or friend. If it does not feel right in your heart, it is not for you. And people will make you feel bad. They will make you out that you left them in the rain and etc etc, but you have to stop trying to help others grow and allow yourself the time and care to make sure you grow.
Also i hope you get into birthdays. You know they’re a pretty big deal but you act nonchalant and celebrate them but never have the same happiness and excitement for your own birthday as you do your own. I hope you make a big deal of the day hell make or week event. remember when you were a young child and how you could not sleep when it was the day before because you just knew when the clock hit 12 it was YOUR day, I hope you find that passion again.
Go back to the house you have to make peace with, go alone and don’t tell anybody when you are going. Go to your hiding place and see if the letter you wrote is still there and if it keep it and give it your future child one day and if not never forget why you wrote that letter and also remember why you hid it. And after you go and make peace let it go. Stop forcing it to be home to you. It was never home, never will be home and you do not have to claim it as home. And you may piss people off when you say it but you have to finally find your spine and do it, You will be happy when you find and make peace, nothing else you do will fix this and you knwo that.
Grow up and let go of the idea of the fairytale love story. You are not going to find the love of your life who is unflawed and does everything right and just dedicates his whole life to you, but somebody you love and who loves you for you back is more realistic. And also stop trying to find flaws in every guy you deal with, the shit is truly exhausting and not health sis. However, I hope you fall for guys for more of who they are and not who they have potential to be. Unless he is your son you are not about to dedicate your precious 20’s to raising a grown ass man. If his momma, granny, auntie, sister, cousins could not do it what makes you the Midus the magician to pull a miracle out your ass, just let it go and move on.
Lastly, I hope you became more transparent with people. You are not bulletproof, your feelings get hurt, you get pissed and you are a lover, not a fighter. Stop trying to fight the whole world in order to feel a little recognition. Become the pieces you write. People have always told you they love your writing becasue they feel like you are talking to them, so what you write is you, so start to carry yourself like who you truly are and not this savage ass cold-hearted nonchalant bad bitch. You have feelings and that is okay. Remember your freshmen year of high school you thought who you were then was who you were bound to be for life… look at you now nothing like 14 year old anymore you grew up and did so many bigger and better things that you used to see in movies and think ” yeah that will never be me, things like that only happen to the girls in movie.”
I realized I have bigger dreams and visions for us so I sat and wrote this because I know it is going to be a hell of a ride these next 3 years. You are going to feel like you are behind, alone, failing all these negative things that will hinder all the great positive things you did. And that is why I want to tell you to take a deep breath girl and realize you come far not in even 3 years but just in one year alone. If you are one a new venture path, or in a career you love, Hell if you are a mom now, married or engaged. Just always remember all I ever want from you is happiness and growth. Be the women you went through all this damn hell to become, because all those mistakes and accomplishments are all the little pieces that paint the bigger picture, and the picture is you.