I was asked what was a fear of mine, and the first thing that popped into my head was being a parent. From the idea of all the responsibility to the amount of money it takes to raise and child and the fact, everything is going to affect somebody else. My biggest fear is being a parent who thinks they are helping their child but in reality destroying their child little by little.
Growing up I always wanted to be a mom, I always dreamt about having kids and being this super cool soccer mom, then the older I got the more distant I became in the idea of being a mom and family oriented women and focused more on career fulfillment. And I can honestly say I have done a good job at finding my purpose in life outside of one day being a mom and a wife and all that jazz, but it was when I was thinking about why I was so scared to have kids, it was all mistakes that have been repeated within my family for generations and I just have been so lucky to be the one to break them as they come my way.
I got my college degree, beat teenage pregnancy, and talk to both my parents, on top of a bunch of other accomplishments. But it was when I was reflecting on all I have broken I realized I feared to be my parents to my children. I love my Dad, I love him probably more than anybody in my life but I do not like how he went about dealing with me and my mom. Some things therapy can’t fix and you need to remove yourself from the equation and realize what is best for somebody and even though it may hurt you it may heal the other person. And I love my Mom, but I do not have it in me to back down from anybody from anything I love even when they threaten to go to war about it, if it’s a war that somebody wants they can bring it to me and we can go down that path if that is what they wish. Growing up with my Dad I would literally countdown the days till I would graduate and see my mom again. All while counting the days from the last time my mom called me and when the weeks became months I stopped counting because I didn’t want to hit years.
I always told myself when I had a kid it would be with somebody who I love, and not that cliche movie love, it would be genuine love. The type of love I felt for my parents. My dad did a lot of “what the fuck shit” while raising me and I forgave it all because I loved him. I had the patience with him and knew he was trying and regardless of what he did, I would always love him. And the same goes for my mom. I will never understand why she didn’t fight my dad, and a bunch of other things but I love her, and I know regardless of the past she loves me. But I don’t want to be the parent who’s child makes a blog post about with the context being about why they’re afraid to have children.
Both of my parents met new people and had other children, which leads me to my next thing, I do not want a blended/mixed family. I want one mom, one dad, no half, no step, no nothing. One unit. I love all my siblings and do not look at nor consider them step/half. But I have always been jealous of families with none of that. That all have the same last names and parents. I just want a family where holidays aren’t stressful becasue you have to wonder where you’re spending it, and planning times to fit everybody in becasue everybody is there under one roof.
I remember when my dad told me he remarried and how I was going to have a little brother and I was not excited I was pissed. I did not want to play house with him and his new found wife. I did not want to be a big sister to a child that did not come from my mother, and I sure as hell did not want another woman playing the mom in my life unless it was my mom or grandma. I remember my new room was nice, my stepmom had decorated it and was being nice and friendly and all I could think about was when was I going to see my mom again, and was she going to sleep okay knowing I wasn’t going to be around when she woke up. And I remember I cried that whole night, cried myself to sleep woke up and repeated the cycle. for years I could never understand or wrap my head around why my life had to change and why it changed os fast. Then I got older discovered some things and that leads us to where I am now.
Sometimes love just breaks and there is nothing anybody can do about it. You can stay and fight for it but when something is dead you just have to let it go. And that is something I just promised myself when I was younger my kids were not going to learn from me and whoever I have kids with. They can learn about the death of love in their high school relationship, but from me is a no, no. Having my parents split and create new lives with other people and having other children did me in. It made me hate the idea of divorce, step-parents, and the idea of love dying. But the reality is love dies and it really comes down to how you handle it.
I can not predict the future but I know I have control over the direction I wish for my life to move in. And if I have a say I want one husband, and kids all from me and my husband. And as nice as I can say I want my children to have the opposite and 20 times better childhood then I had. When I accomplish that ill have broken every generational curse and I can finally hopefully lose my insomina and sleep at night knowing i did all i wanted to with my life.