Last Saturday i woke up on the floor of my friend Sydni’s bathroom, I had threw up the night proper and blacked out, And the smell of ciroc, perfume, and puke is what made me wake up. I remember I was thinking where the hell was my things. I couldn’t find my wallet, or phone only thing I remembered was not being able to breathe because I had drank myself into oblivion, and I usually never ever in my life throw up liquor, so when I woke up and realized what I had done, I had thought to myself the whole reason I was trying to blackout was being confirmed, and what I was running from and the reason I am even writing again is I truly believed I was pregnant.
I usually am a open book with yall and leave little details out but today and from here on out I am going to be completely transparent. I was pissed at the guy who I thought I was pregnant by, not because he did anything just because of all the options I had, goals I have, and how selfish I am there’s no room for me to be pregnant, and Ii honestly would rather drown then make time to be anybody’s mother. But mostly I was stuck on how I would be stuck with him. that idea and thought made my skin itch and crawl because I could feel my blood pressure increase, and could clearly vision all the incidents we would have where I would look like a damn clown and just be flat out disrespected, it was when I was thinking all of these situations I wondered why did I even bother still interacting with somebody who was clearly nothing but toxic for me hell for each other
As is stated in previous blogs I do not desire nor dream of being married, I love and love hard but I never been the type to dream of my wedding day and settling down and raising a family. I have always had a different idea of what a relationship is and how they should be done. I like company and companionship when I am in the mood to have my space invaded. but when I want to be left alone I just want to do my own thing, and that is where all the unhealthy shit comes into play, you see when I have somebody who I see here and there and we have limited conversation and interaction, I am beyond content with it, because I get what I want when I want it and from there we go on with life, but that shit was fun and doable at 19 to now but it is not how I want to operate anymore and sure as hell not how I want to treat other people because I have become way more mindful that just because it is good for me doesn’t mean it is good for somebody else.
I had to take myself out of myself and put myself in others shoes, how would I feel if they treated me how I treated them. And it was when I did the I realized how stupid I looked dealing with the people I was dealing with.I was picking myself apart, taking and adding certain things to me to make my fit certain people, when I realized I was made to be me and the right person, my person will fit me with no changes needed. And when I was laying on the bathroom floor I had realized who I was with the possible father of my could be child, was not who I wanted to be in this life, the next life or the past life, or even on another fucking planet.
Now do not get me wrong I do not hate him, I actually have a lot of love for him, which I know sounds crazy considering the obvious anti him attitude I am showcasing against him. It’s just that we are opposites, the way we think, act, do things, I honestly still do not know how we even stay in touch for so long aside from the fact I am a idiot who can not get enough of embarrassing and making a ass out of myself.
However people have been coming from my past and telling me how they miss me and all that other jazz, and Ii used to eat that shit up, and feed right into it but now I get annoyed when people do that to me, it is also a reason i stopped reaching back to people from my past. If you walked out on somebody’s life and or they closed you out, why the hell are you bothering them now? I was the biggest sucker for people who came back, but now I wish they would stop. I have enjoyed the time we shared but stop holding up traffic it did not work because it was not meant to work. I may not know everything but I know for a fact nobody from my past is meant for me, because I sleep just fine without them around, and I have found some odd after them that made me forget about them. and the idea that I T’yanna Angeline would ever wait for somebody’s son to come around is beyond me honestly.
So to summon it all up I found my muse to write again from thinking I was pregnant by a man I have no desire to be with mixed in with waking up on the bathroom floor tucked in hair in a bun all props to Syd for that one. So moral of the story is I am back, I am not pregnant and I am going to start my own T’yanna rehabilitation to stop involving myself with men who I would rather eat glass then be locked in a room for a week with.