Learning To Unlearn

I watched Hitch 3 times back to back to back last night, and It was then I realized that 1 I have no life, And 2 I have been unlearning a lot of toxic shit I picked up growing up. I am not one to watch romantic movies and think to myself ” I can’t wait for that girl to be me”. Considering the fact that I reuse to let people get close to me, and I believe in leaving before I get left, I caught myself being the hopeless romantic rooting for love, and not the heartless realist.

Growing up many people thought I missed my mom when she left when I actually hated her, and my hate for her cause myself to hate me, because I knew i shouldn’t have felt that way towards her. But I did, and I based every single relationship I ever had based off mine and hers. I spent what feels like my whole life attempting to get her to want to be my mom, I used all my fight for the relationship up before even getting to expierence a relationship. In all honesty I sometimes wish that her absence from my life was from something permenant like death because I have spent to much time trying to decipher why she never once came around. But while I spent time trying to make my case to defend her and her choices I realized the war i was in was not mine to fight.

I’ve had my times as the girl in the romantic comedy movies. I am a hard headed, strong willed, asshole who swears up and down I do not need a man and his company to have happiness in life, and though I don’t I did thrive and learn from it when I had it. One guy I am going to call him hoops, he taught me how to be vulnerable and how to be comfortable while doing it. We had a platonic relationship but the love I have for him, I know another person can’t match, It is just different. Though he is blocked now I thank God for sending him in my life when he did. I would call him when I needed advice, to vent, and just to talk and it was so therapeutic. I would tell him things that I would usually keep bottled up and just let fester inside of me, but having him around I was less anxious and easily irritated. With him he was the part of the movie where the girl learns to communicate and not expect people to read her mind.

Now the part where the girl learns she is falling in love and lets it happen we are going to call him YERRRR. YERRRR and I are probably never going to speak again and if we do it will not be util years down the line, however without YERRRR I wouldn’t be blogging again and not making all these major life changes and decisions. Patience was the first thing I learned with him. From the outside looking in he had it all, but not all glitter is gold. I knew I was growing up when I let situations involving him not slide. anymore and spoke up about it ( shoutout to hoops for teaching me to use my big mouth for good). But like i said YERRRR was special so i was actin totally different for him. I cared about how his day went, what his family and childhood was like, what his dreams were, what he feared most, all the small things that make people who they are. I fell for him the way he did because he seen me for not only who I was but also who I am growing to be, and that leads us to the part of the movie where the ending is not the cliche.

The good news is that I got my heart broken but I did not die. I did not turn down the ” big opportunity” to make it work with the guy, I did not decide to make it work and fight while we both grow up because that is not how love has to go and not how my story is meant to be written. While I loved them I started to love me, And I was the person I wanted to run into the sunset with in the end.

I blocked Hoops because he had became the person I would call and vent about and I do not want to drag myself through the act of acting like 1. I liked him as a person anymore and 2. That I was cool with him being on funny shit. I left YERRRR when I did not want to but I had too. All the energy I had put into him I redirected to myself.

I am not going to say this was easy by any means. It took me months to open up to Hoops, and I have been dealing with YERRRR since I was 17 so telling him we can not talk nothing anymore because It wasn’t fair to me was even worse, but once you start mending wounds one good time then letting them heal on their own you realize you can’t control other people but you have all the power to control how it affects your life.

So as I was watching hitch and listening to her talk about how it is better to be alone and do your own thing verses being hurt and lied too played out like a joke I realized I never grew when it was just me and only me in my daily routine. Being alone gave me nothing but time to be angry at my mom, nothing but time to resent my dad for constantly comparing me to himself or my mother and not allowing me to make my own mistakes as my own person, I had all this time to think about everything that went bad and no time to see how things could change.

My parents were the first example I had of love, and they were not in love. And that is life, shit happens however my Grandma adores me, I do no wrong in her eyes at the end of the day, My friends though i annoy the shit out of them love me, my parents love me, so many people love me that I know what love is and I didn’t need my parents to love each other in order to see what it should be like but also feel like.

These last few months I have found myself being a SMART hopeless romantic. We are nearing 9 months into 2019 and I have spent 6 going on 7months celibate. I have stopped compromising with people on how they should treat me because it is not a bargain this way. You treat me like I want to be treated or go bother somebody else, Hell I even walked away from 2 people that were apart of my daily routine, I am talking about knew me, the real me because they couldn’t get right.

Hitch not only is a amazing movie it is a teaching movie. Love is not always about loving somebody else, the main component in love is knowing how to love yourself. How is anybody supposed to love you properly and confidently and loud if you can’t even treat yourself right? I am on a ” I deserve more recognition so I am going to give myself the damn recognition myself” tour and life has been changing for the better since. So stop looking for love from other people and focus on learning to have and give it to yourself.

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