As Jay-Z said I lost one

What if I told you that I now live in New York City, I am now my own best friend, I walked away from a job to go to another one just to quit that one all to land in NYC… and what if I told you I let go of all the deadweight relationships and ties I had to people because my hate for their wrong doings and my short comings made me fall in love with myself.. I know me T’yanna having her life together how weird to think about it, but it happened, not even happened it’s happening!

This time last year Snapchat reminds me of my season of taking big ass L’s. From the man I learned to be vulnerable with and was growing to love having a baby on the way, to one of my best friends committing suicide who had been attempting to see me so hard the whole month leading up to that day, me not knowing what I was doing in school and why I was even there, hell. I was living in hell and my life was on fire and I held all that shit together and carried it so well nobody had the slightest idea I went to sleep everyday just praying that there was 1. something to learn from this all and 2. All the bullshit has some purpose because I couldn’t have been being thrown all of this for no reason.

It was when I was saying goodbye in the airport to mom and grandma everything’s purpose started to click which eventually lead me to New York. Losing the man taught me that 1. I am very aware of the love I deserve and have all the strength and power to control how people treat me. His determination to not let me go made me hate him. I wanted to forget him and forget everything we had. And he wouldn’t let up. However every night I cried. I cried because I missed him. I finally understood what people meant when they said you don’t lose only your partner but your best friend. I didn’t have anybody to confided in, nobody to send memes or funny tweets to, I felt like a piece of me was ripped and shattered beyond repair, and I could see the pieces and knew where they went but it just couldn’t click. I spent 2 weeks being mad at him and upset then bam, my friends gone.

My best friend called me and told me and I thought she was joking I actually laughed, and laughed for about 3 minutes until I realized she wasn’t, and then I felt nothing. I wasn’t sad, mad. I was literally nothing. The thing about him was he was always there for me, I told him everything and would talk to him about my plans for life after college and how I was going to move to a big city and write , do medical work dabble in sports and get myself a bmw I8, that man was damn near my diary I would tell him everything and him vise versa which ate me up when I discovered he had committed suicide. He had been trying to get lunch with me the longest and had called me two days before. Asking if we could get breakfast and I blew it off. Told him I had work and just couldn’t make the time because of some sorry ass excuse I pulled out of the air and that shit will never not sit in the back of the mind. Like how selfish could one be to blow off somebody who’s always there for them but can’t return the favor. That guilt ate at me so bad I couldn’t even bring myself to go to his funeral. I didn’t want to see him in a coffin because that would just validate and bring closure to the fact he is gone and not coming back. I’m not going to ever receive another birthday call from him, another random snap of words of encouragement, I’m never in this life going to see him again, and when I had the chance to I blew him off because I just knew he would always be here. But he’s not here, he’s not coming back, and it will be a year in November and I haven’t been to his grave sight once but write him on snap when I just really need him to know how life’s going and that I haven’t forgot about him and that I’m so sorry I was caught up in my own life to not stop and think to ask was he okay.

When I had went to hug my grandma I didn’t feel the need to cry, it was when I walked through TSA, I had to find and use every strength in me not to cry. I realized I had actually did it, I closed the chapter of my life and Michigan and knew I wasn’t coming back.

My first night in the city I thought about all the shit I had went through leading me up to that moment. I had thought about the day I sat in the library forcing myself to think of a reason to live, I thought about the first time I came to New York and knew this was home, the first FaceTime I had with the man I loved and lost, the last things we said to eachother, the last call I had with my friend, and the first time meeting back in elementary school, then I thought back to little me, sitting in her room waiting for my mom to show up and surprise me and come around, she never showed up. It was when I was thinking of all this I realized I had beat it all, and most importantly laid it all to rest.

I let the shit with my mom not being around die and laid it to rest. We were both robbed in the end and me being mad and hurt by it won’t change the fact that’s what’s done is done. Losing the guy showed me I am capable of loving somebody and also not having to posses them. I will always love him, and I will always want the best for him, but it’s not me. I’m not for him and he is not for me. But I will always love him and when you love somebody and know they’re not made for you, let them go. It’s selfish to drown you both due to the fact you don’t want them to rise to their full potential with who they’re made for. And lastly and most importantly my friend taught me to never take time for granted. I wish I told him I loved him more, I wish I made time for him when he asked and I wish I could have saved him from himself. After him I don’t look at time the same, I cherish it way more and way more open and there for my friends, and friendships and relationships mean way more to me now. I treat them now all with a different energy and respect. And losing him taught me that and losing him made me come to the city because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and I have to live the life I want for myself, and you have to do the same even if it’s terrifying just do it.

I’ve been here going on a month next Saturday and I’m happy I’m here, I’m happy with my life and mostly I’m happy I stayed ten toes In the shit storm the end of 2018 until September of 19 bought me. I’m happy I didn’t fold, in a way I’m grateful I let the world make me a little cold when I was younger. Not having my mom made me become my own protector I was my own women, and that shit right there made me a beast. The hardest part of the plan was getting here and now it’s all about my focus and plan, so more to come until then I’m just here to say I’m back.

XOXO, Tells.

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