It’s okay even though it’s not.

If you want a bunch of people who you haven’t heard from in forever to hit you up, just move to another stage and start to become genuinely happy watch every single one become pressed to talk to you. I remember when I was 16 I told my therapist I was going to move to a big city and figure life out and I would deal with my baggage then and I remember she looked at me and asked me “ do you think life works like that” and I’m just here to say it does because here I am figuring shit out in New York City and really beginning to dig into things I need to heal in order to stop picking at the wound.

Last night in the city my bank decided to lock me out of my own card for what I don’t know, mind you one it’s pouring rain and 2 it’s freezing. So while I was running to cvs so I could attempt to dry off a little bit, it hit me I didn’t call this one person back. And this person used to have me wrapped, when I say wrapped I’m talking about I would help them hide a body type of wrapped and when they used to call me everything would stop. So how I managed to go the whole day doing 100 of other things to only remembering that he called because I saw Gillette razors, I was so impressed and satisfied yet apart of me was sad.

Everybody who knows me knows I don’t do relationships, mostly and really because I rarely ever genuinely connect with people. So when that rare event happens I become attached and with we’re going to call him razors I was attached. I’m going to go with the fact that I was 18 when it all began and just recently officially closed. But that’s besides the point I never allowed myself to feel a way towards him because I felt uncomfortable having a bad feeling towards him but it’s valid and when I allowed myself to feel like I started to look at him, myself and everything we shared different.

I was a dumbass when it came to him. I saw the signs and ignored them because you know damaged thinks they can fix damaged. We both would do our song and dance everytime we would come together just to split you know real dynamic dumbass duo type thing. It’s like when he was down I was up, when I was up he was down and when we both were up we didn’t speak. And It’s crazy because when we’re both up it’s like he becomes the most vocal, outspoken, person ever and has a million and plus things to say but you know I’ve been thinking and he’s allowed to vent and I always been the compromiser. I always sit and keep quiet and never voice how I feel I just take my feelings and the secrets to the graveyard.

When everything was fun it’s was exciting. It was like the movies you know where everything is all slow motion yet going at the speed of light at the same time. But when it was bad it literally could stop the world. We would be at the worst of odds and nothing clicked. But when we grew apart it was nothing less of obvious that things have shattered. There would be no us, no more more fights, no more nothing. We will have shared our time together and through that we grew apart as well as grew up.

Maybe it was the cold rain, the fact my mascara was running into my eyes and making it look as if I was sobbing, or the feeling inside that I actually did in a way want to cry because for the first time I felt every bad emotion towards him and allowed myself to feel okay for feeling it. The feeling was relieving yet draining all within the same emotion. I was so drained I ended up falling asleep on the train and if you know me you know I wouldn’t dare do such a thing.

Sometimes I wish that we didn’t have to end but since we did I wish it could of been different. I can’t say I look for you in different people because I’m aware with the fact you’re 1 of 1. But l will always be thankful for you. I got to learn how to express my emotions with you. I would give you hell some days and you would take it and there were other days when I was a saint to you and those were your favorite days. You allowing me to love you taught me the importance and how to properly love myself. I’ll never want to see you unhappy or not doing your thing because you’re always going to be my favorite menace, but closing the chapter is what needed to be happen in order for us to be genuinely happy. A blessing within a lesson for you, for me, and our last for us.

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