My confidence pisses a lot of people off. They don’t like how many pictures I take and post, they don’t like how I openly claim to be the shit, because I do for a fact know I’m the shit, and they don’t like me because everything I love about me reminds me of everything they can’t love about themselves. I knew I was the shit before social media stamped that about me.
Growing up I lost count of how many people told me I was “ full of myself “ and looking back I realize all those grown ass adults who were bothered by how little old 9 year old viewed myself need intense therapy with a couple sessions focused solely on self love. My attitude is never been and never will be cocky. I just know I am 1 of 1, and I’m going to make sure everybody around me knows that as well. I never in my life said I’m above anybody because of what I had, looked any of that. And there was a point in my life where I didn’t love myself at all because I let people tell me who I was wasn’t good nor admirable.
I realized everybody who had told me I needed to change never did it out of concern, but control. People have this weird desire to pick apart people they can’t comprehend or that triggers insecurities within themselves. I’ve done it in my head before I would see a girl who would just amaze me in how she would carry herself and just move through life and I would think “ damn I bet she’s This, that and that” but then instantly after I would check myself like instead of being better get inspired sis, and that’s exactly what I did. I have met women and seen women and even just in passing I was amazed at how graceful they were and how this certain quality that made me want to know not only how they did it, but also trigger a “ so what’s the flaw about them” question in my head.
I’m going to spill a little tea here and let you know when I realized it was never me who needed to change but the people around me. The first guy I ever took serious was I should say is a know athlete. And around the time I had just tuned 19 and still slowly coming out of the conditioning that I was this terrible toxic person. And one day we had got into a argument over something petty and I shut down. Growing up that was my defense mechanism when somebody would raise their voice at me and begin to rip me apart I would mentally check out and go somewhere else in my head. And I’ll never forget he stopped mid argument and asked me why I don’t defend myself… and when I tell you I came right back to reality and stared that man down to his soul and let him have it, I know he regrets ever waking that up in me because after that I really wasn’t the same when it came to my perception of myself and who I am as a person.
These days if you try to come for my character yours better be on point because I’m tearing you apart right back on yours, and I feel disrespected enough I might just slap you right in your mouth . It was when he asked why I don’t defend myself I realized I’ve been washed to think that when defending myself I was just in denial of my own perception of myself and that wasn’t the case at all. Growing up my confidence was the only thing I had that people could break but they could never take. If I had nothing I had self worth and awareness. People don’t have that, we live in a world where we compare ourselves and our life to everything we see on social media, movies and television, we don’t know what’s real anymore because we’re drowned in a false reality.
Growing up my dad didn’t let C’s fly. Me and my sister wouldn’t hear the end of it. That man kept me on the tightest leash under the strictest rules and I hated him for it. Looking back he had a point back then I was too smart for my own good. My dad knew i was deep down a wild card. I didn’t fear really much because I had learned how to operate on feeling nothing. And that’s a huge reason I did therapy I didn’t talk, if he wanted to know how I was feeling he & my stepmom would sneak and read my journals. Not the brightest idea on their end because I didn’t hold back how I felt in them and feelings where hurt, but I can honestly say keeping journals not only saved my life but it always back down to reality.
I knew exactly who I was, and how I moved as a person. I just didn’t allow others to get that side of me because frankly they don’t deserve it . Some of my “ family” don’t deserve to even have access to texting me. Some friends don’t even deserve to be able to reach out and ask me for favors or advice and I could go on and on, and I could easily dead them and never speak to them again yet I don’t. I don’t move like that. I don’t get revenge or seek vengeance on people who are already living with their own personal demons. That would mean that I 1. Would have to take time out of my life to give them hell and 2. I would have to find the spite in my heart to want to give them what they gave me and I knew I was better then that since I first learned the abc’s.
I’ll never forget when one person was told me it wasn’t their fault my mom didn’t want me, I think about that sentence a lot, I mostly think about how a part of me wanted to grab them by the damn neck and snap that bitch off right there and then. That was the day I realized I really had it in me to murder somebody because had their been a gun or knife around they wouldn’t be on this earth. I remember that night I wanted to cry about what they said to me but I didn’t because when it all came down to the end of it all that person couldn’t pick shit wrong about me but only something that had happened to me. And also for the record my mom staying out of my life for the time she did, she did me a favor but that’s for another blog post. But I remember that moment and hear that in my head at the most random times because it reminds me people living with low self esteem and demons of their own project it off to others like people pass out candy on Halloween.
When I speak highly of myself to or around my grandma she gassed me to the tenth degree. I say I’m beautiful she replies with goddess, I say I’m funny she fires back I’m the next Dave Chappell and that’s how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to gas people and not step on them for knowing themselves and worth. It’s crazy how many people loved to be around me when I was beat down. It’s like they could feel I wasn’t going to fight back because I just was drained to me coming out of that funk and coming with all the confidence and down for all the Bullshit if they wanted to take it there with me wanting no smoke, it’s been real fun to see that.
I have days where I feel like the baddest human on the planet, days where I’m unbelievably sad and days where I’m just going on with the motion, but everyday I’m T’yanna and that’s all I need to be to make me happy. I don’t want to look back and think how I was everybody but myself in the one life I had. I forgave people who never said sorry to me not only for me but for them, and I still pray for them because I want everybody to feel the joy I feel out of life. I am now a person who eats alone, goes to movies alone, learned the importance and how to be alone. I actually text my parents and share life updates with them and look forward to when they call me because it’s nice to talk to them and share my life with them and not feel the constant thought of what if they use this against me down the line and mostly it feels great to run up my own damn money because lord knows I didn’t come from money.
In order to do better and elevate your life to the level you want you have to be willing to let things go and get tunnel vision. I lost count how many times I have damn near cried to my grandma about what to do with my life and my purpose and where I want to be. And she told me to be true to myself and always remember she has my back. And that’s all I needed. I made a plan, and I executed it. I didn’t take no, I didn’t settle and I did what made me uncomfortable. And I didn’t tell anybody until the shit was done and official. My friends didn’t even know I was moving until I had left. So I hope you all make your plan, execute it and run it all the way up.