To the person who needs nobody

The Holidays are a fun & beautiful time, everything is fun and bright, people seem to be on their best behavior and life just seems to be what every Channel is displaying within the movies and tv shows, happy and loving. However though that may be the social norm it’s not everybody’s reality. For some people the holidays are pure hell on earth and I just want to remind those people, that it’s okay to hate the holidays & feeling a way when the world tells you to feel the other is human, nothing about it is flawed.

This will be my first Christmas without any immediate family here with me, and I can honestly say it’s the first Christmas I felt no pressure nor a feeling of absence. Growing up I hated the holidays, I resented the fact I didn’t have a ” whole” family and that my family was blended and I wanted to fight the world because this was not the shit that they displayed on the tv or talked about in the books growing up. I felt robbed of a life that I thought was better then mine and one that I just knew I deserved.

It was when I was sitting in my thoughts for years after years just this year I realized I had to break the cycle and be the one to end the chain of trauma. Both my parents grew up without having a 2 parent household and I their child was placed in the same cycle as them. I Carried the same emotions and acted nearly the same but paying out the dues it cost to continue in their path was exhausting.

In life you’re going to have to forgive people who aren’t even sorry, you’re going to have to end relationships you never wanted to end, and you’re for sure going to have to look in the mirror and take accountably for the fact that some things in your life that caused you a downfall or had some negative effect on you was you’re doing. Accountability is the hardest thing I believe from swallowing your pride that a person can do and it’s also one of the things people seem to refuse to do, because who wants to admit that though they been through shit it’s semi their fault no progress has been made to improve their life.

I say this from a place of love and understanding I blamed the world for everything, and felt like I was owed better and had no desire to change a damn thing about myself but waited for the world to change. And guess what nothing changed, not a damn thing except the fact my anger and frustration tripled as time passed. So I said you know what I’m going to change some things about me and see what happens.

For starters I stopped focusing on what I didn’t have and learned to love what I did. I stopped comparing my situation to somebody who was in a similar and watching them succeed faster then me and wondering what I wasn’t doing right and most importantly I stopped putting my life on this schedule that things had to be fixed and set and goals had to be met at a certain date and time . I grew up with less but compared to others baby I was beyond blessed.

I’m not going to sit up here and tell you to act like you’re healed and not feel what you feel, but I pray that what you’re feeling you know is temporary. I mean this shit sincerely somebody cares about you and will miss the fuck out of you if you don’t stick around to see another day. The thing that made me find some comfort in my discomfort was it reminded me that I was alive. I felt dead inside for so long and would unintentionally remember dead people can’t feel. I didn’t find peace in my life until I really learned how to love my life and accept the past for what it is.

Living life on autopilot will not protect you but break you down a faster rate. Feel what you feel and remember time never stops and with time comes change, and though scary it could be a beautiful life changing thing. So if you’re sad or feeling alone just know somebody loves you beyond words, and if you don’t believe that think of everybody you ever met and the ones who told you that you inspire them, or when they told you they admired something about you. They saw you for you, and you just may be to blinded by your anger or sadness now to see your true potential. I hope you reading this , I hope that you heal and forgive others but mostly yourself. I pray you discover and learn your worth and always hold people accountable to treating you as such. I hope you have a wonderful day and never give up stand ten toes.

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