I’m going to jump straight into it tonight because it’s nobodies business into how I got read to filth today by various people, but it’s time I think I publicly say it and what better platform then my blog.
As y’all know I love to remind people how everything I do for them was out of love, and how I want to see everybody win, when all I was doing for others I should of been devoting to myself. I spent so much time building others and gaslighting myself I neglected the person who deserved a quarter of the hype and supper and that my friend was myself.
I don’t need a hand to hold when times get tough and it gets dark I can make my way through a maze blindfolded with soundproof headphones on, now what I do need though is to stand on the hills I’m willing to die on and die on them.
I accepted whatever people were willing to give me because I remember how I wanted people to give me a chance when I wasn’t 100 percent there but that, isn’t appropriate nor healthy for me. Some might read this and think well isn’t that hypercritical? In a sense but at the end of the day absolutely fucking not. When I lay down it’s me, myself and my thoughts in bed. I have given hundred of chances for people to get right with me but in reality I don’t owe anybody shit, and people can take their bullshit elsewhere.
To my friends and I say the friends lightly, 8 out of 10 of y’all can exit stage left and go rock with the ones who fit the acceptance and requirements you’re looking for. I have friends who only hit me up when they want tickets to a sporting event, I have other friends who only hit me up to ask how I’m doing just to ask for money 2 days after. And my favorite type of friend is the one who will pretend to care about what’s going on in my life to turn around and talk shit with others to be validated and accepted amongst a group of people who truly wish I would give them the chance to even be associated with me but that’s for another blog post. To be honest I have been distant with a lot of people because I’m not feeling the way people have been rocking. I’ve been dealing with some real shit and I honestly don’t want to hear about some guy I dealt with at 19 is seeing another girl who looks like me, not only is that beyond my concern and extremely irrelevant to me ask yourself when’s the last time you asked me how I was…. so quick to blow my line down with Bullshit and the feining to start some drama you don’t even ask me if I’m okay. Real friends right?
Now my love life is fully on me. I rock with men as far as I can throw them and I can’t throw a man. I only count 1 relationship as a relationship and that’s because I fought for him, literally fought. I have standards but I’m always stepping off my hill because for my whole life it was a hill I can honestly say I wasn’t will too die on, but now you’re going to have to physically break me down otherwise in simplest terms, I’m going to die behind what I say I deserve. I think fighting him and having him shatter my phone taught me love is clearly not a area I need to be trying to figure out at all because it requires me to be at 1 with myself and between wanting to burn his house down and wanting to air him completely out I had nobody to blame but myself, I was in that position because he knew he could take me there and that would happen.
I was so busy making myself fit into everybody’s desire to be the perfect fit in their life I had forgot I was supposed to be holding everybody to the same standard. I kept the peace with people out of respect for them. If I really was to sit down one day and write about the things that people I loved and people I thought I could trust have done and said to me I can say some people would not be making it a week into 2020. But that’s not my style , I take things to the grave but the weight of the secrets isn’t my burden to carry.
I know certain people maintain contact with me just to stay semi in the loop of my life so their not fully out of the loop. Others speak to me out of guilt like maybe if I keep communication to the bare minimum she’ll forgive me for how I went about things with her. In reality I’m not a spiteful nor hateful person but I’m a person who lets things build and today I said I’m going to for the final time
In my life charge it to the game.
In the last 3 months I changed my life. I changed where I lived. My hair color, passwords, the people I called daily and most importantly my perspective. I can have Nothing but love for you and I will never speak to you again in my life. I’m going to start holding myself to hold others to my standards or just dead them out my life. Never been pressed to have a big circle just a genuine & supportive one.
I have been keeping score of all the things people have dealt me, and I have wasted time thinking of ways to maintain and please everybody and fit who I needed them to be in my life, I have seemed to love everybody and was rooting for love and success within there’s I had forgot about myself. And that is dead, I want to see everybody win but I need myself to win too so it’s me and myself first in all aspects of life.
My own common sense of the power I hold didn’t hit me until I saw the phone I paid 1000 for was thrown at the wall. I remember we both sat down after our fight and I had asked him was he ready for war with me. Mind you I was crying because I was drained in all aspects and couldn’t believe he had the audacity to do that. It was that moment I realized he had the Advantage of strength over me but the upper hand in life that was in my control.
This is basically telling a lot of people it’s good ridden and y’all got it. Because my frustration for people has evolved to disgust. It’s not fair to people but mostly myself to maintain relationships out of love that make me break character and ditch my element. And I’m over maintaining composure and basic respect for people I should have fed to the streets but that’s the beauty in this, you live and learn and know how to move the next go around. I’ll never air anybody out but If people want to move grimey I’m going to match it by moving filthy, and I’m going to keep it so classy and cute I’m going to reap good karma for handling people. That’s like getting paid overtime and not even going into work, killing 2 birds with 1 stone.
Like Kodak said “ I set standards and I stand on them” mine is “ this is a hill I’m willing to die on” and I mean every word I say when I say that. I’ll go to war behind the people I love but from here on out that same standard applies to myself, I’m war ready about me and my respect and as I always say I only fear God.