Today we are going to discuss a topic nobody likes to talk about, and it is when we are the problem. I know you are probably reading it like “ this bitch, me! Me the problem I could never be the problem.” And that attitude right there is a problem within itself but we will discuss that later. I remember being beyond toxic towards certain people and making excuses for my behavior like “ well they bought it out of me”
or my personal favorite “ that is just who I am.” You know just flat out toxic until one day I had realized I was being gifted my own karma by being treated the way I had been treating certain people.
I am the first to admit that I have issues, a lot of issues, but I am aware of them and work on them. But before I took accountability for them,I let all that messed up toxic ways flourish. I had kept certain guys around strictly to be my own personal pick me ups. I knew they liked me for me, and would never leave me alone even when i was a complete cunt because you know, they loved me for me. And looking back that was top 3 dumbest shit I ever did. I had men who truly saw past all my bad ways, still adored me and I played the because I couldn’t even fully see what they saw me in, talk about a dumb ass.
I would lead them on and give them this false reality that me and them could work and how that time for us is coming soon, etc etc etc. You know just gaslighting the living hell out of these men. Then it was like all of them just stopped reaching out. I did not get the random check in text, the random FaceTime/phone call, Hell one even unfollowed me. And when I say i felt the absence of their presence in my life hard, I felt it hard. I remember literally staying up thinking about what could I do to make it right, What should I say to get the ball back rolling you know just things to win them back not because I genuinely wanted them back, I just missed the validation they gave me. And I tripped on this for about 2 weeks when one night it hit me, 1. I needed to grow the hell up and 2. I was a toxic ass manipulative person I didn’t want them back to be with them, I wanted them back because they made me feel good about who I am as a person.
Popular belief is that I am a player, and I only like rich men, with status and fame. And I’m not about to sit up here and front like that doesn’t catch my eye but baby I have played the toxic game and have been played with across the map by a variety of men. And it really is not a game you want to be involved in because neither side wins. If you are the toxic one, Yes you have the power over the person but lack power over yourself. You feel the need to control that person due to the lack of control over yourself and your own life. And if you are the one being controlled by the toxic person then you are just at will you are what i call the “waiter”. You wait for a text,call, you put up cute pics with the intention to get their attention, You spend every waking moment hoping today will be the day they say they want to see you and actually make it happen, you spend your time on standby. That is not right, It is not cool, And you deserve better then that.
I know easier said then done. I have been on both sides and each side sucks, and I have spent a equal amount on both teams. But recently I cut ties with both parties and have never felt so much peace in my life. I have spent so much time searching for a peace that the day I found it in myself I did not feel the desire nor need to seek it from other people, And have not been afraid to be alone since discovering this.
If you have been a toxic person towards somebody i encourage you not to apologize but to change, apologizes mean nothing if changed behavior is not going going to be displayed. And if you are somebody who is waiting for somebody to “ get it together” I encourage you to move on. If you were meant to be stagnant and complacent you would be a roadblock not a human being, do better with your time but most importantly yourself.