Waiting on T’yanna

One day I will sit and laugh at all the fuckshit I dealt with in the name of love for other people, I will laugh because a lot of it was very unnecessary and some was self inflicted but more importantly it all taught me. Believe it or not I am grateful for every single bad thing that has happened to me because it has shaped me into who I am and also showed me people I never in my life want to be like. 

I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting. Wheather it was for people to come back in my life, others to leave, people to tell me they love me and others to admit they never loved me and to stop acting as if they ever did. To make a long story short, I have given out my time to others as if I can get it back, then it hit me in september of 2019, while I sat in this small briefing room about to tell these white entitled people I was quitting their shitty ass company and going to go home and be in a better position that same month. I did that on faith and the fact I was done waiting on myself to see my own worth and remember who the hell T’yanna Angeline truly is.

The car ride from corporates office to the hotel I wasn’t sad I was relieved, It felt good to stand up for myself and the fact that I no longer had to be somebody I wasn’t. I did not have to smile when I was upset, I did not have to kiss strangers ass so they would like me and not feel threatened by my security in the fact I could be alone and be okay with it. If anything that job was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, Because had it went right, I would live in Sacramento nannying and settling for the fact that this was as good as it was ever going to get for me. But it was when I got to the hotel and started to pack all my shit up, I told myself I deserved more than this and that I was going to get myself to a big city by the end of the month ( 18 days to be exact I quit on Friday the 13th. ) I was never going to wait on what I want to come to me, I was going to take shit even if it meant going to war about it.

When I got home I didn’t even unpack i just decided New York was where I wanted to be and applied to every job posting that interested me as well as paid me what the hell I am worth. And October 5th I had moved and started my job and on the 7th and have no looked back or regretted my choice sense.

This place has given me a sense of strength I did not know I could even reach. Also showed me how loving and sweet of a person I am too, it made me realize I wasn’t in Michigan anymore I had a fresh start. Being here I can be anybody I want to be and I want nothing more then to be T’yanna. If yall knew how much I cried since moving here, I know it sounds weird but I would never allow myself to cry because I always thought of crying to come off as weak but it shows and validates that I do have feelings, I have started to actually tell people when they have me and my feelings messed up learning the beauty in transparency and also here I have learned to share my space all while still enjoying and maintaining my own company. I took myself out on dates, shopping, and just walked around and enjoyed the city all by myself. I have also swiped my metrocard for complete strangers who didn’t have the money to refill theirs, fell asleep on random peoples shoulders in my Uber Pool, have had people fall asleep on me on the train. I am thriving in a state that teaches people the power and importance of independence and yet the biggest lesson it has taught me is to be more kind to myself and also people in the world and around me.

When I came to NYC for my 21st birthday I knew it was the place I was eventually going to move to. My Uber driver from Brooklyn also told me I would to. I will never forget how he told me he can tell I have a hustle and how he had no doubt I would make it to the city and would reap nothing but success from living here, and he was right. Living in a place like this you do not have the time to wait for anything because there is always somebody else literally around the corner waiting and working towards the same thing you want. It was when I was on the 102nd floor of the Empire State Building, I realized I had come so far in 3 short months because I stopped waiting and doubting myself and just made myself do everything that made me happy but also extremely uncomfortable because I found the most fulfillment and happiness by just doing those exact things.

I always think back to when I was crying in Westerns advising office because I was living in this big ass lie and was beyond amazing at holding the act together, and when I think back to it now I laugh because I was scared of nothing. I always knew in my heart I was going to be fine with whatever I decided to do because I am T’yanna. I might bend but I never fold. And I wish I wasn’t like this because I would kill to just experience the luxury of being able to fold and having a safety net behind you. That shit seems beautiful. I fold I go back to square one, there is no “ ill save the day T’yanna.” Closest thing I have to that is my grandma and to be honest that is not her job, I have retired her from that job. I am not going to sit up here and act like I have this whole thing figured out, because I don’t, some days I do not see my worth and there are some days where it is all I see. But the most important thing is that I never quit and always find the courage to just do what makes me happy, even if it scares the life out of me because I wasted far to much time waiting on myself to do best for myself.

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