Hell yeah you read the title right. And I fully stand on and will die on what I said as well. The good thing about going through a phase is that it’s never permanent, strictly temporary. I have went through mad different phases but the one where I had it really bad was my wants of unattainable men. I had became wrapped in wanting what everybody wanted but couldn’t get. So to summon it up I was empty emotionally and empty people do, I wanted the best of the best because I felt like it could fill the void I had within myself.
When I talk about my love for money, I mean it being my own money. I am a prideful person and I am working on that. But I do everything for and by myself because I do not like people having the slightest control over me and my emotions. And looking back I was dancing with the devil blindly. People can have everything and still be the most empty person in the world, and when you surround yourself with empty, you eventually become empty yourself. And the fast life is fun, I am not going to sit here and lie like I do not miss it from time to time, but the shit is draining and the people around you are all running from a demon and like 2 major life issues.
I have never had my heartbroken by somebody who was “ normal” I tend to run from them and fast as hell and far because they treat me this foreign way that’s called right and what I deserve but I have yet to master the art of accepting love is not a battlefield. Every person who has broke me down has had a blue check and blue bands. Some had the blue check before the bands, others the bands before the check and one had both from the jump. And I went through the cycle every time knowing what was coming, when it was coming and how it was all going to play out. I think I allowed myself to go out sad like 3 times before I sat down and realized it was me, I was the problem, I had put myself through the motions because I was terrified of change.
Things haven’t felt the same since Michigan. Certain friendships feel empty and pointless,I kept certain boys around because I thought I liked them. When in reality they are simply kept because they keep me company and are pick me ups when I feel lonely, and lately I have been feeling very alone.
Being the friend who always keeps some form of options around to not having anybody, the friend who was always on the move at events going place to slowly being reserved and doing things solo. I have grown comfortable with myself to the point I am more than comfortable pointing out my own mistakes. Going through the motions in a city like New York will have you realizing how dumb you have been in the past and how you can not be like that, especially in a place like this.
I know some people who will blow through thousands on drugs because they can’t deal with being sober because it makes them face their problems. I know some people who will blow through thousands on jewelry with the hopes that all the new purchases fill that void within them. I know some people who have sex for sport becasue it is the only time they can actually feel something, and the thing all these people have in common is to the outside world they appear to have it all, and the behind the scenes is a whole different ball game.
Being a person who is toxic and mingling with another toxic person is all fun and games until things swing left and it gets you guessed it, toxic. I will never forget one argument I had with somebody and we were coming for each other’s neck, and the things we said to each other should be illegal and we both should do 3 mandatory therapy sessions off of that because we were tearing at the things we both knew the other person would cry about, and the kicker was we both thought things and others could fill the void we felt and not ourselves.
As we all know by now, i let people get away with murder out of the name of love. But now of days I talk nice and never twice. I have cut men that I love, friends that I love, hell family even got cut because if I lose respect for you there is no coming back from that. Behind loyalty I need and give respect, and if I do not respect you I don’t even want to be reminded or know you even exist.
A lot of people with the blue check and blue bands need to buy a clue and therapy. And to everybody chasing that life I hope you know that shit is a scam. When people say perfect is for the pictures and those good amazing things only happen in the movies they were not lying my good sis.
I feel like my hell rage is coming to an end but only ending because I finally got out of my own way into shelter. The past is just that, the past. It has came and went, but it will always repeat itself until you learn from it and do better by it. I was tired of getting dragged through hell in the name of love and respect and realized I was the one holding the knife to cut the rope. Looking in the mirror, going to therapy, and just listening to your intuition being real with yourself you’ll know your worth goes past a damn social media stamp, and nice tax bracket. I hope you all discover yourself and worth and never settle for something less, or chase a dream of what you believe to be better because I promise all grass isn’t grass, its turf baby all fake. And lastly if you believe that because you have a blue check and bands you’re entitled to treat others inferior and or less as my cousin Kori says “ get a grip on your life”.