I swear I’ve had no desire to write because I have honestly been so tired. somewhere between the half ass friendships I was indulging in, the “relationships” I knew were never going to go anywhere yet giving them time as if they were, I was drained all while playing captain dumbass in my own personal shipwreck.
Recently I have been praying for people to leave me alone, I have formed this strong sense of hate for the internet, and I have been anticipating people chewing me out about how distant I’ve been and them dismissing themselves from my life. I would do this when i was 16 and my therapist had labeled it as “ self destruction” when in reality I just always knew I was my best me and my true self when I was alone.
Somewhere between forcing myself to watch romantic love stories,and browse through wedding dresses online and feel the sense of excitement and anticipation for “ that day” where I find my soulmate and all that, I found myself underwhelmed and bored. I laid in my bed wondering if I was damaged or was I finally coming into my truth as to who I am and have always been, so I did what I found most logical to do, I listened to sad songs made myself cry to clear out my mind and feel all I was feeling.
In the mist of my emotional escapade I started to laugh. At my big age I was crying in bed becasue I felt guilty that I did not have a desire to be married and have a family and do everything the right and normal way. I was crying because I was lonely but not the lonely that I felt for majority of my life. I was lonely becasue I had became a friend to myself and It was hitting me I was going to have to part ways with my old ways and friends.
everything I have ever done has been from myself being my own muse. I started a blog because I loved to write and had so much going on in my head, my love butterflies came from the day I was missing my grandma so much and I yelled to the sky asking for a sign that any of that God shit was real because nothing was making sense and a butterfly landed right in front of me, and that same night I saw her in my dreams and she told me when I see one I see her. My whole I do not need a man to find and feel worth is not to do the opposite but becasue I can live just fine alone. I will die happily married or not, and I will go to hell in a hand basket before I spend the years of my life convincing a man I’m the best for him, and damn sure will never waste my breath nor time waiting on a man, I would rather watch paint dry for the remaining time i have on earth then do some silly shit like that.
my sadness over the last 2 weeks has in a way converted into irriatation and aggravation. between men bothering me and friends coming to me with the same bullshit just reworded/ and in a different month I have constantly caught myself holding back the 5 words I been wanting to scream at everybody
I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
I have been at war with myself over how I shouldn’t feel that way towards people I loved then it hit me. I pay for therapy so I can fix my issues and not be a burden to others due to my own personal demons. When did I sign up and agree to become anybody’s therapist? most importantly where was anybody when I needed to talk? Whenever I did talk it was always flipped to being about them or how I’m strong and how I will get through it. or my favorite they would take something I had mention and go use it as their own and take my life and paint it into theirs and act as if they came up with that shit. between being people’s therapist and muse for inspiration I have gotten completely fed the fuck up and pulled the plug on it all.
Writing isn’t something I am so happy to have a talent for, I wish I had a quiet head and there wasn’t always a million fucking things going on in there to the point I had to make a blog to clear some space. I would trade anything to have my grandma back for a day instead of relying on seeing a damn butterfly to know she’s still around and with me. And I wish I could have my own damn indenity and niche without people only reaching out and acting as if they cared to get some damn inspiration. most importantly I wish there was a dummy in me that let me go out sad over men. As dumb as it sounds I always was jealous of people who could love so blindly and dumb. To lay yourself out there like that and know you’re never going to get the ending you want but always willing to try and risk it because you have faith one day, it will happen. I admire you. To seek the comfort of another and feel the sense of completeness is beautiful, but I find strength and my indenity in being alone. And unless it is my own child, I can live without them happily and unbothered by their absence in my life.
22 years of life and all I can remember is watching people make a mess of their life and others. People are always talking, building and destroying and that is life thats what makes it beautiful is the constant change. The downside though is change is a variety of things. Going through the same thing just in a different year or with a different person doesn’t mean its change if its the same shit reoccurring over and over. I was supposed ot write about how good my life is going and all this good shit but damn that would not be authentic. Granted my life is as stated above but the process of getting here was not a cakewalk, it was ugly, lonely and cold.
There is going to come a day where I look back at this post and feel the need to delete it becasue it will not be valid in my emotions anymore and it will have hurt people I love, but this is the truth. between people forcing themselves on me, shallow friendships, leeching ass relationships and keeping people around out of the love I have for them I have disconnected from my own reality and outlets.
So in the end game I encourage you to get real with yourself. My truth is having a man and having a family of my own are not my life dream. I do not give a fuck if i have a big wedding or city hall certificate signing or if I ever get a ring on my finger. That is not who I am. I am a selfish ass 22 year old women. I want to make money, and create writing pieces, star in movies and on tv. see the world live a life that I will look back on and not wonder what if, as drake famously said “married in our 20s where’s the fun in that?” I used to view being lonely as a bad thing, but it is the best thing that could ever happen to you If you enjoy it how it’s supposed to be. Learn to be your own person but more importantly your own friend. becasue when you die, youre the only one going in the coffin six feet under. be smart and mindful with the time youre given in life.