I told my therapist i would publish a blog, so here I am keeping my word. In all honesty I didn’t lose my passion to write, I haven’t had writers block, I just don’t feel like I want to share my thoughts with the world anymore. I started this blog at 18 and I turn 23 in 2 months, and I don’t feel that same desire and passion that I felt back then now.
The love for life and adventure is the same but the innocence and naiveness is gone, long gone. I think I have found those therapist that the movies show, you know the ones who get into your head and break you down piece by piece. She knows me but not the everyday typical me, if anything she knows “the worst of me” but honestly I love the worst of me more then the best of me, I feel like thats when I’m the most grounded and genuine.
It was when I was going on a tangent about why marriage is a scam, and that love is a comfort blanket for people who don’t know how to be alone and independent, she asked me what was my views on love and marriage when I was in high school. And the funniest part was I believed and staned for relationships and marriage hard as hell. I was one to argue that you should date people to marry people, that I dreamed of marrying and all that extra shit, when in reality that was me masking and coping. I wanted to believe in something because at that time I believed in nothing.
So when I told her that we sat there in silence for about 2 minutes and she asked me why I started my blog, and it was to get out of my own damn head. I didn’t feel safe in talking to anybody besides people I knew who would I never have to face much in life. I never expected this to pick up the following and readers it did and I really never expected people to be able to relate to my series of unfortunate ass events and hood rat tales, but yet here you guys are. And I feel selfish for sitting here telling you that it became a chore and draining and not something I loved to do anymore.
I have always been one to take in others feelings into consideration when i wanted to or not. Every time I was upset it was seen as anger, and I wasn’t allowed to be angry because “anger blinds and destroys people” and that is bullshit. Seeing upset people reminds people of their own issues they are pushing away in their own life. Example is I hate to see people cry, not because it makes me want to cry, but it reminds me how I literally refuse to let myself cry. How I see crying as the weakest thing you can possibly do. So what do you do when you see something that is triggering you, you tell them to stop it.
I think quarantine was something i needed to happen, because it made me sit down and get real with myself. I have always been somebody who does not like upsetting other people. It is in my nature to want to maintain peace and stay in good graces but the hard truth is that is not how the world works and operates. Sometimes you have to be pissed off and upset in order to grow and move on with your life.
I have been blessed beyond words these last couple of months but that doesn’t change the fact I am pissed off. I am pissed at the fact police are still allowed and still killing innocent black people, I am sick that the nation is dealing with a damn pandemic that was easily avoidable and manageable had a asshat done his job, and mostly I am sick of the fact that what I have to write about though is enjoyable and fun, I wish I never knew was something that others could feel and relate to.
I personally never been one to read into fairytales and buy the whole scheme of things but I admired others who do, I admire people who can see the world for just that, a illusion. Hell some people think I see the world through rose colored glasses, but the secret is I see it for all I create it to be.
I have been reading all my blog post and realized I do not have a clue how to properly function when there is not dysfunction present. I have restarted to only talking to my close friends while in quarantine and creating work for school and my own personal interest. What I am trying to say is I never imagined my life actually becoming what it is, so I met the dilemma of what now?
I have done everything I said I wanted to and was going to do as a kid,and it’s a point you hit where everything makes sense, and yet you feel so damn confused. One night i had a real honest talk with God, and I was going on and on about everything in my head and life, and I was being evil. Like I said some shit that even made me question if I was okay, then I remember how I was never allowed to feel as a kid.
I could never complain because I had a roof over my head, food in the fridge and clothes on my back. Now all of that is nice but I had full out wars in my head, wars that some I didn’t even win, I just eventually became a partner to the enemy.
I am 22 and just now learning how to feel and how to accept the fact that it is okay to not be okay with others and myself. I didn’t write in 3 months basically because I felt like you the reader didn’t deserve to be in space, and you didn’t. I forgave people not because I knew it would make them feel better, I needed the peace. I have a huge fear that I become the people i hate. I don’t want to be a grudge holder, or somebody who believes the world is out to get them and all people have motives,but the reality is people are shitty, and to maintain sanity and self love and peace you need to have limits and solid boundaries.
I am fully back on my shit, and I just hope this time in solidarity bought you some type of peace, and that your also realize, the world is yours. Do something with your life and make sure everybody you allow isn’t yours adds value and is a asset and not a liability. Until I am ready to share with you all again.
T’yanna Angeline / T’yanna Tells