Taking things personal was once my special talent. I would take others words and actions towards me straight to the heart, wouldn’t think twice just would process what they said and be like “ yup I deserved that,and earned that.” And never thought twice about it. But then Covid came around and kept me in the house and gave me time to sit and reflect and realize, people never have a direct problem with you, but one within themselves.
One thing I learned about me is that I hate, and I mean genuinely hate when people cant just shut the fuck up and let somebody talk. I realized I was once that person/friend/family member who always had to respond with advice or a story of how what the person was talking about related to me in a way, and sometimes you just have to sit there and shut up. Don’t talk. Just listen. I have tried to talk to 3 different people about something I was getting upset by and they all had either made it about them, or gave me unsolicited advice, then made it about them in some way. And I later went on to talking about the issue with a girl from one of my classes who I have on Snapchat, and she listened to me. Like sat there and listened and not once made the conversation about herself. And it was wild considering we spent only 3 weeks together and she could tell I was off in a sense, verse people who have been around me and known me for years. And talking to her made me realize that I hate people who don’t know when and how to shut up but also ones who feel entitlement.
Ive lost count of the friends, family, men, and just people in general felt entitled to me. Ive have had friends get pissed because I don’t pick up their calls, answer the messages, don’t want to go places with them, leave them at places and could on and on but you get the message. Ive had family mad I don’t call them, come around, ignore them. And men just being men we all know how that goes. And I hit a place where I came to the conclusion I don’t owe anybody shit. Not a call, a text, a explanation nothing. I have no kids, and nobody pays any of my bills so what do I owe them a answer to anything?
Another thing that hit me and hit me hard is the old me loved saying yes to everything but the current me, her favorite word is no. As we dig deeper into the acting world no has became my favorite word. No,no,no,fuck no, no. NO. I have single handily started to earn the infamous nickname “ the bitch” because I am just not ever going for anything Offered to me. From friendship extensions, dates, auditions, photo shoots, Ive either became Americans newest introvert, or learned myself to a point I get disgusted going below my own set standards.
When I first got accepted into acting school, I didn’t tell any of my friends or family for weeks. I felt this need to protect it. I didn’t want anybody wishing bad over it, and how can people attack what they are unaware exists? I got in signed up for more training and went on with life. And there wasn’t a day where I didn’t think about how bad i wanted to tell people. And it was sitting on my one accomplishment I give a genuine fuck about, I realized I had overcame my biggest flaw to date, the need for approval and acceptance.
My biggest pet peeve will always be people telling me “ I was just like you” becasue no you fucking weren’t. You will never be me. We can be int he same situation, same outfit, hell you could put yourself in my body and you still will never be me. I find it beyond disrespectful when people say this to me, because it means you aren’t listening. And that is something that also makes me believe others in a secret competition with me and I am the last person to compete with because I never play fair and even when I lose I still win.
Ive had friends give me advice, to turn around and do the shit they told me not to do, and it made me think. Now why would you tell me not to do that knowing you do it? Is there something you want me to lose sis? I just personally never needed a person to copy after because I always knew who was and who I wanted to be. That’s why it’s been so easy for me to act. I know who I want to be, who I was, and who I am. And as I grow more secure in that sense the more people are starting to bore me.
My blogs were once a play where i would come and tell a story that would help others and i just don’t feel like that’s me anymore. I’m nobody’s parent or therapist. The love i used to love giving you the reader has made a new home within myself. Accepting the fact I have like 5 real friends and 3 I don’t even speak to daily. Family I am set on not speaking to unless its a holiday. And most importantly being secure in my decisions regarding my life.
The last thing I am going to leave you with is knowing its okay to walk away. I used to feel guilty for wanting to end friendships or cut communication off with certain family members because of the love I had for them. The same people who didn’t tell me happy birthday, or told me last minute. The same people who hit me up when they need money or a favor. I felt bad for wanting to let go. Friends with the ass backwards advice and shady backhanded compliments and that mindset of being in competition. Just always remember it’s never personal and to walk away.
I will always hold T’yanna Tells in a special place in my heart, but thats not me anymore, and I’m not who I was when I started this blog back in 2016. Times changed, I changed, and I hope you reading this, that you changed, until next time.