I had a revelation recently one that made me want to delete my dating history and start fresh, like a reformed ex toxic girlie turning over a new leaf. I never actually liked most of the men I’ve dealt with. No, seriously. I have only genuinely liked two exes, and ironically, both are Dominican. The rest? Just watered down versions of my insecurities, fears, and bad decision making skills in different fonts.

Looking back, these men unintentionally taught me three very important lessons. And like any good recipe, I’m about to break down the ingredients that made these situationships flop harder than a burnt soufflé.

Lesson #1: Settling Tastes Like Overbaked Cake Dry, Flavorless, and Unfulfilling

Settling in a relationship is like biting into a slice of cake that looks good but tastes like straight up disappointment. That’s exactly what I was doing with these men accepting the bare minimum and convincing myself it was enough.

• One man had zero ambition outside of his one dimensional dreams and got mad at me for actually having a personality beyond our shared interests.
• Another spent more time whining than actually being attractive, always fixated on my preference for athletes. Sir, I liked you just fine until you whined me into not liking you. (Spoiler: I eventually left him and actually did date an athlete. Manifestation works, babes.)
• And the last? He wanted a wife. Meanwhile, I had just discovered what stores I liked for sustainable fashion and was still figuring out if Zara’s pants really did fit me better than H&M’s. Clearly, I was not in my husband seeking era.

If you ever find yourself dating someone and wondering, “Do I actually like them, or am I just filling the void?” The answer is always the void.

Lesson #2: Some Men Like the Idea of You, Not You

This one hit me like a brick. Some men don’t actually like you for you they like what you represent.

• One man let’s call him Dr. Narcissist hated that I had an identity outside of his field. He wanted me to be his little scientist in the lab wifey, but I had dreams, hobbies, and an entire life beyond test tubes.
• Another one Mr. “But You Like Athletes More” spent more time projecting his insecurities onto me than actually trying to be likable.
• The last? My sweet but misaligned love. He genuinely loved me, but I wasn’t in love with him and I loved him enough to let him go.

Men who like the idea of you will try to shape you into what fits their fantasy. The minute a man gets mad at you for simply being yourself, it’s time to exit stage left.

Lesson #3: If It Doesn’t Feel Like the Movies, That’s Because It’s Not a Movie It’s a Cautionary Tale

Listen, if you ever have to second guess a man, it’s already over. Relationships shouldn’t feel like a suspense thriller you shouldn’t be waiting for the moment when he inevitably has you messed up.

• Dr. Narcissist? Thought making me feel small would somehow make him feel bigger. But one of us had to extend their college education to break into medicine, and it wasn’t me.
• Mr. “I’m Not an Athlete But Hate That You Like Them” had me in a never ending pity party where he was both the host and the guest of honor.
• The last? He was a good man, just not my man. He taught me how love should feel secure, simple, and natural. But I knew I couldn’t give him the love he deserved, so I let him go.

At the end of the day, “when you know, you know” is one of the most real statements ever. And now that I do know, I also know what I never want to sign up for again.

Final Thoughts: Love Can Be a Messy Recipe, But I’m the One Doing the Cooking Now

Dating all these men made me realize one thing: I’d rather be a Judge Judy girlfriend than a doormat girlfriend. If standing up for myself makes me “too much,” then so be it. Because the alternative? Wasting my time with men who don’t even like themselves, let alone me.

Comparing my last two real relationships to my past disasters is like comparing a gourmet meal to a microwaved Hot Pocket. The difference is night and day. But don’t worry I’ll get into the “Dominican Men Lore” in another series coming in May.

Moral of the story? If he’s not the one, at least this dessert will be.