I Was Born to Be the Star and Every Time I Ignored That Life Checked Me

If you are not big into horoscopes you are either missing out or under a religious psychosis. Both can be true at the same time. Nevertheless I am a Leo. A Leo sun moon and rising. I was born to be a star. And regardless of what I do in my life, anywhere I go, and any room I enter, I am the star.

Some people label that narcissism. Others call it delusion. I call it perspective. This belief has taken me further than any degree, credential, or recommendation ever could. People are emotionally driven beings. They respond to energy, confidence, and presence. If you believe you are the best thing in the room, you not only become it, others begin to treat you as such.

Every time I stopped believing I was the main character, my life reflected it immediately. I had to be the star or I was going to be miserable.

Behaved Women Rarely Make History

Behaved women rarely make history is not just a quote I love. It is something I embody. I cannot name a single iconic thing that was ever done by someone trying to be sane and agreeable.

One of the earliest memories I have of realizing people respond to actions and not words happened when my aunt Brent was tutoring me and my sister. My family on my dad’s side is deeply educational. Teachers, principals, superintendents. If you were going to be nothing, you were still going to be educated.

I admired it but I never wanted it. I hated school. I was an anxious test taker. I hated feeling dumb after bombing math tests when I knew at a young age my future did not involve measuring triangles or solving equations with letters.

When my family became obsessed with fixing that part of me, I decided to show them who I was through resistance. While my aunt lectured me about the Pythagorean theorem, I wrote I HATE SCHOOL in big capital letters, turned the book toward her, and smiled.

She was disgusted. My dad was not amused. I got in trouble. But tasting their disapproval was like a vampire tasting blood. I needed it. It confirmed that people knew I was going to be loud about my boundaries and my dislikes.

Control Has Always Been My Breaking Point

One of the first things I learned in adulthood is that I hate controlling partners and friends. Something about someone believing they can manage or own me has never sat right with me.

The first person outside of my family to display this was a man I dated at nineteen. He will remain unnamed, but we will call him CTE. CTE met me at a party underdressed, overly intoxicated, and extremely extroverted. Why he saw me and thought this girl wants to be domesticated is still unclear.

He hated my makeup. It was too attention seeking. I was nineteen and wanted attention. Shocking. He hated my clothes, calling them too revealing, despite meeting me in a crop top and a skirt that barely did its job.

My favorite complaint was that I did not respect him because I talked back. I remember thinking I was being manipulated before I even had language for it. Instead of shrinking myself, I became strategic.

I became exactly what he claimed he wanted. A good girl. And good girls do not have sex before marriage. If you want to dismantle a man mentally, remove the one thing he uses for leverage. It is always sex.

Week one I was too tired. Week two I claimed my period and added theatrical flair by switching to diapers. Week three I actually had my period. Eventually he snapped. He called me boring. He said he could not do this anymore. He suggested seeing other people.

I said okay and walked away smiling.

That same night I was back outside in the clothes I loved, with the friends he hated, and with a new man by the end of the night. The next morning I woke up to paragraphs telling me I could go to hell, that I was fake, and that all he wanted was a good girl.

I replied that if he wanted a bland boring woman, he should have spoken to one.

The tone was set for every man after that. I was never going to be small. And honestly, I owe CTE for the free publicity. Men knew exactly who I was before they signed up.

Playing Dumb Is Sometimes Strategic

Another habit I developed and still use intentionally is dumbing myself down. We are told this is wrong, but Superman does not walk around announcing he is Superman. Some things are better left to imagination.

I was nineteen when an interviewer told me I was overqualified. Then again at twenty four. Then again two weeks ago. I was being punished for doing exactly what I was told to do, which was educate myself.

At twenty four I did something people warn you never to do. I lied. I removed one of my degrees from my resume. Interviews flooded in. Employers thought they had someone easy to overwork and underpay. I let them believe it.

Once an offer came, I stated my salary expectations. When they said that required certain qualifications, I told them I had them. Run my background. Silence.

You just admitted you pay more for those qualifications and now you have to honor it.

I applied this logic to jobs, relationships, auditions, and life.

Delusion or Destiny

My favorite main character trait is knowing I am the best at whatever I pursue. I remember being laughed at when I said I wanted to train as an actor. Those same people later watched me on Netflix.

I remember the laughter when I signed as a model. One of us ended up on a billboard in New York City and it was not them.

I remember being told a hospital job was above my ability because I had not been in corporate long enough. I got the job and made over twenty thousand more than expected.

Everything they called delusion, I considered the bare minimum.

Final Thoughts

Some people will call this narcissism. Some will call it insanity. That is fine. You get one life. Be the star of it. Nobody remembers the person who did what they were told. Those people do not make history.

Be loud. Be bold. Be the main character. When you go in the ground, nobody is climbing into that casket with you.