What i learned being friends with a total bitch.

Written 10/06/2017 I remember when i was 14 i faced my first rejection and you could not tell me that my life wasn’t over. i was convinced i was the ugliest thing walking the earth, granted i was a freshmen. I had barely began to develop had no idea how to dress, my attitude was a corner store knockoff of Rihanna meets Felicia. I was 14 trying to be 24. And the ” love of my whole life” i put in quotation marks because i felt that way back then about him though having no relations or conversations with him…. that sounds so crazy now that i think about it lol.  He was literally everything the movies talked about and those damn movies where the same reason that i had got my feelings hurt. Because not all endings are happy or in your favor. I was in aww and i was not even known in his world. hurt, crushed, totally embarrassed ( amongst my friends) I had swore to never give a guy my lust and to never speak on my crush ever again because that embarrassment was terrible but let me tell you, i got worse and worse as time went by. you can tell me ” you have pretty eyes” and i’ll be like ” oh my god he’s so sweet” you can tell me ” you have a pretty smile” and i’ll be like ” oh my god i should smile more” you can tell me ” oh my god T’yanna you never shut up” and i’ll be like ” oh my god he was rude but honest i respect that” every action had bought a reaction.  I remember my first rejection till this day and the feeling was so sickening, i wanted to throw up and die, nothing more nothing less. But being 20 looking back to 14 year old me i realized i handled situations and people who hurt me 10 times better than i do at 20. And it really comes down to the 3 things nobody taught me i just did and i realized i need to start doing again .

Be Unbothered  

I was unbothered before it was a trend. now when my feelings hurt was i hurt, hell yes but i was i in this dark ass bubble all sad and depressed…. HELL NO. Instead i would bitch and moan for 3 days tops, then that fourth day i would wake up and go on with my life, i had a crazy bounce back game. I stopped worrying about what he was doing. i stopped worrying if my friends liked me and if what i was doing hurt the feelings, because it made me and mines happy.  Being unbothered is all about knowing yourself and disregarding the outside noise and the opinions about you being tossed around about from other people.  It all comes down to the sense of knowing yourself. 14 year old me knew T’yanna. I knew i hated basketball just liked getting to go places after school, i knew i loved everything about guys with facial hair and some type of popularity to them. I knew i was a hot mess, and i knew my outfits did not match some days, and that my laugh is loud and obnoxious and that my dad had a rep for being insane  at sporting events.  At 14 i had the strongest sense of self and embraced it because i knew who i was. And people could call me whatever their heart desired but it would not add nor take away from who i was because everybody that needed to know me knew me.

Admit your emotions

I was and am a emotional person. I take a lot of things to heart because i want people to know i am not some hard ass rock, who cares only about herself though i am my own priority i still care if other people feel respected by me and not shitty. And by making sure i did this i was very expressive with my feelings. when i was upset 1. you seen it on my face and 2. i would tell you. I was open with my friends, guys, strangers who would listen. i am the stranger who tells you their life story simply because you will listen, Admitting what you opens so many doors and closes so many chapters all in one motion. My 14 year old life consisted of crying, laughing, spazzing on people and writing for days, and now currently i keep it all in and tell only my friend Kat and my sister how i really feel about everything because they listen and i realize other people will listen though they may not take it in and consider what i am saying they all have the ability to hear. And that is all i need to open and close the doors within my life.

Stay True to yourself

I started high school at 14, a true baby and it was everything. I was young with the mindset of a child meaning i did not care about what people had to say about me because i was so sure and full of myself. I did things i enjoyed that some considered weird and i dressed like a damn fool but it made me happy i liked how i looked, and i was so happy freshmen year. I remember actually looking forward to school because i enjoyed it simply because i adored myself. Now did i probably bother the hell out of other people absolutely, did i tend to rub people the wrong way as a damn weirdo probably. but when one person would ask them ” hey do you know T’yanna” they both would be able to say the same qualities and characteristics and there would be no ” wow she is like that” moment in the conversation. meeting me now i feel like everybody would have a different version of T’yanna. Some will be able to say she is super smart, she gets all these internship opportunities and takes school really serious and is getting what she needs to get done finished. And another may say she is a total bitch , she takes  herself and life to serious and does not know how to take a joke. Then there might be somebody who says i am the party girl who goes out every weekend, who entertains multiple guys, can not commit is to be honest a slut. Then some may finish it with she is somebody who is a fun and  funny person who gives amazing advice but can’t take her own, and a overall good person. I began to think how come certain people know me as a certain T’yanna and not just me. I realized people knew me at 14 for me because i was me day in day out. there was no shift ever didn’t;t matter where i was , who i was with i was T’yanna. And the older i got the more things i did and people i met i started to adapt to the environment and would add and take away from myself in order to fit in. I realized i was friends with a bitch and the bitch was me, i was stopping me from being me. I had always thought you can not mix good and bad and be one you had to chose, so i split myself. i knew who would like me being good and sweet and i knew who would like me being bad and wild.  though both me i knew not everybody was going to accept all of me then today in the school library as i sat here i thought why the fuck do i care….. My parents love me,  my friends who know me know I am one big personality and i know me and i know when i mess up why was i letting everybody from the outside looking in cast their stones at me and my life and choices, At the end of the day i am given 24 hours to do what i want to do and if offends people or makes them talk badly or down on me  so.be.it.  Do i care how people perceive me, yes everybody does but all be a factor in how i view myself hell no . People are going to talk about you till the day you day and probably after that, so i suggest stop being friends with the bitch within yourself and do what makes you happy, and do it all together. because people who really love and know you will accept you. Do what makes you You and yourself happy. Date the girl or guy, go after the job, go to the party, be nerd and live in the library, hell do all theses in one, just never lose yourself by taking away parts of yourself to make others happy.

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