So, I Tried the Bootleg Ozempic… and Got My Ass Handed to Me (Part 1 of 3 of My Weight Loss Expedition)

Before y’all start judging YES, I work out. I lift, I run, I squat, and I stretch like my life depends on it. But my weight? Oh, she’s a rollercoaster. Doesn’t matter how clean I eat or how hard I hit the gym, my hormones are either my bestie or my arch-nemesis, flipping me between the 150s and 160s like a contestant on America’s Next Top Yo-Yo Dieter. Let’s not even talk about that one time I hit 189 pounds (shoutout to birth control for absolutely ruining my life why did I ever take that mess?).

But despite my active lifestyle, I decided to hop on the knockoff Ozempic wave aka Semaglutide to see if the hype was worth it. Spoiler alert: it was not. It was the most humbling experience of my life, and I am here to advise y’all to STAY AWAY. Here are five reasons why:

1. My Insides Were in SHAMBLES

When I tell you this little injection had me fighting for my life I mean it. I have never been so violently nauseous. Every time I took a bite of food, my stomach reacted like I just served it a plate of thumbtacks. If you’ve ever had food poisoning or a stomach virus, imagine that but on steroids. I spent more time contemplating life on my bathroom floor than actually living. I am not even being dramatic when I say I could digest nothing fully, it was a horror movie. There I was thinking I was going to be a size 2, and all I was becoming was a pending bed in the King’s County emergency room. It felt like somebody was river dancing inside my stomach 24/7, I would dry gagg randomly due to the level of nausea I felt.

2. Food? Don’t Even Think About It.

I love food. I identify as a greedy person. I look forward to meals like a kid waiting for recess. But on this mess? My appetite was GONE. Not in a “this is cool, I’m snacking less” way, but in an “I forgot food even existed” way. And you’d think that would be great for weight loss, right? WRONG. My body was being starved, my nails were breaking off, my hair was falling out, and I looked depleted. The kind of hunger I experienced was not giving “fit and healthy,” it was giving “malnourished Victorian orphan.” I would lay in my bed and tell myself “Girl you know good and damn well you need to eat.” While my body was telling me ” Try it silly goose and watch what I do to us both.” It felt like a game of Russian Roulette, and every chamber had a bullet in it with my name written in cursive.

3. It Ruined My Gym Flow, My Sleep, and My Mood

The gym is my sanctuary. My happy place. My therapy. But Semaglutide? She had other plans. I could barely work out. My body felt weak, my energy was nonexistent, and lifting weights felt like lifting my entire life’s problems.

To make matters worse, I was exhausted all the time. Yet somehow, even though I was ready to collapse 24/7, I still couldn’t sleep properly. And don’t even get me started on my mood swings. One minute I was chill, the next I was ready to fight God and everybody. And those who know me, know I can be moody as is. This meditation from Satan had me amplified. I wanted to be alone and to make it funnier when I was taking it, my sister Athena was actually visiting, so I decided to take it up myself to ” Skip” my last shot, lmao lol I gained like 3 pounds, mind you I was eating yes, but BARELY enough to gain 3 pounds. That is when I pieced it together this was nothing but a pyramid Avon-themed ” get skinny quick” scheme except unlike AVON these people should be in prison for pushing this phony baloney BS into people’s bodies.

4. There Is NOT Enough Research, and Some of Y’all Look Like Zombies

Look, I’m all for weight loss if that’s what makes you happy. But I need science and data before I put my body through the wringer. The fact that we don’t know the long term effects is already a red flag. But what took me out? The hollow face effect. I’m sorry, but some of y’all look like you just escaped the Upside Down. And with my big ass head? I was NOT about to risk looking like a Funko Pop figurine. Now people say money isn’t everything and they are right it’s not, it is vanity. Vanity makes the world go around, especially as a woman. I will be the first to admit my looks are what pays most of my bills. I get jobs because yes I am educated and qualified, but I am also funny and nice to look at. people and kids enjoy chatting with me, and things like that in today’s society matter. Looks matter, and if somebody is telling you they don’t they are lying to you, and also in denial if they believe it.

5. Just GO TO THE GYM.

I know, I know easier said than done. But I swear, working out and eating right is a million times better. Your results are realistic, and sustainable, and don’t come with the side effect of feeling like death. Your body is NOT meant to be starved into submission. It’s meant to be nourished, strengthened, and moved. It is that simple, stop falling for the quick schemes, everything is not meant to be fast and attainable, and weight loss falls under that category.

Final Thoughts: I Got Humbled, But I’m Wiser Now

Do I regret my decision? No. Because sometimes you have to take an L to learn the lesson. And trust me, this was a HUGE L. Between the hair loss, nail breakage, nausea, mood swings, and overall struggle, I got dragged for filth by this medication. But the good news? I found better solutions that I’ll be sharing in my next blog post. Stay tuned for Part 2, where I talk about what worked for me!