The Moment I Stopped Abandoning Myself

The first job I vividly remember wanting as a kid was being a zookeeper.

I had just watched Madagascar and decided that was it I wanted to be in charge of zoo animals. I wanted to feed the penguins. I wanted to pat dolphins on the head. I wanted the full experience.

Then, about two weeks into this wild dream, I learned that zookeepers also work with snakes. And just like that, the dream was dead.

The Dream That Never Left

Another dream I’ve always carried with me was becoming an actress.

Not just acting I was going to be a star. I was going to act, then transition into producing and directing, and eventually spend my life writing quality scripts and giving people stories they actually wanted to see. This was the dream I told myself I would stick with no matter what.

But this dream also showed me two things very early on:

1. I had a habit of abandoning myself when I got overwhelmed.
2. When I stopped abandoning myself, things that took others years happened for me in days sometimes weeks.

Choosing Survival Over Purpose

The first time I quit acting was my junior year of college. I hit a very real wall: I needed money.

And if we’re being fully transparent, being an artist or creative does not pay the bills unless you’re booking consistently at an elite level. People don’t talk about that enough. You’re paying agents, managers, publicists, classes, headshots, upkeep all before you see a real return. The math doesn’t math for a long time.

I loved the arts. The arts are my thing. They are my passion and the reason I believe I’m on this earth. But I felt boxed into a decision:
Live in my passion and struggle financially, or drop my passion and pursue something I liked but didn’t love.

So I made the “responsible” choice.

I switched my major from journalism to neuroscience. I’d always liked science. It was my favorite subject behind literature. I remember Googling the salary difference between an aspiring artist and a scientist, seeing the numbers, and saying, Yep. This is it. I decided to drop my purpose and pursue something I liked instead.

Ironically, I was really good at it.

I landed solid internships, earned great grades, and received opportunities people would kill for. From the outside, it looked like success. But every night, I’d lie in bed scrolling through Instagram and Deadline, reading about up and coming actors booking roles, and thinking, That looks so fun.

After only one semester, despite all the praise and accomplishments, I was miserable. Truly miserable probably the most miserable I’ve ever been in my life.

“What’s the Worst That Could Happen?”

Still, I kept going. I kept accomplishing. But the question never left my mind:
What if I just said fuck it?

What was the worst that could happen if I chased my actual passion? I fail? I fall on my face? Cool I move back home and start over. At least I would know I tried.

I also knew one thing for certain: Michigan was never my final destination. There wasn’t much of an acting community, and deep down I had always known New York or nowhere.

So I made it happen.

I applied for a live-In nanny position on Care.com. I interviewed on September 30th. By October 5th, I was living in New York City.

Arriving With Nothing but Belief

Once I arrived, reality hit.
Okay… now what?

I was realistic. I knew I wasn’t going to step off the bus and land on television. I needed a plan.

So I Googled the top 10 acting schools in New York bold for someone with no formal training. All I had to my name were my clothes, $526.34, and a dream.

I narrowed it down to three schools. My number one was the Lee Strasberg Theatre & Film Institute one of the most prestigious acting conservatories in the world. Angelina Jolie went there. That was enough for me.

I told myself: You’re getting into this school or you’re going home.
No backups. No safety nets.

Instead of abandoning myself like I usually did under pressure, I committed fully. I took Groupon classes for pennies. I trained at other top conservatories. I studied relentlessly. I read constantly. I immersed myself in Angelina Jolie’s entire film catalog not out of obsession, but out of curiosity. I wanted to understand how she got there.

People told me I was crazy. Delusional. Unrealistic. They said people train their whole lives and still don’t get into that school.

I ignored them.

The Moment Everything Changed

My interview was on Zoom, post-pandemic. I had no anxiety. No butterflies. I knew I had done everything in my power to prepare.

I interviewed in June.

They told me I’d hear back within a week or two.

I got my acceptance email less than an hour later.

I screamed. I cried. And then something clicked:
I wasn’t there because of luck or a miracle. I was there because I didn’t abandon myself. I hustled. I trusted my purpose.

Success Doesn’t Protect You From Fear

But highs always come with lows.

I trained. I learned. I grew. But slowly, fear crept back in especially around money. I started thinking about stability. Responsibility. Reality. I was chasing a one in a million dream in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

And in that fear, I abandoned myself again.

What’s wild is that during this time, I was accomplishing things people pray for. I trained at Strasberg. I earned SAG waivers from Power. I joined SAG within a month. I booked commercials. I appeared on Netflix. I had a billboard in Manhattan.

Yet all I could focus on was what I hadn’t done yet.

I judged actors who had been grinding for years, not realizing how much strength it took to never quit. Looking back, I admire them deeply because they never abandoned themselves.

The Pattern I Could No Longer Ignore

Every time I abandoned myself, nothing in my life worked. Friendships. Relationships. Careers. Everything fell apart.

And every time I aligned with my true purpose creating, acting, writing, making art things flowed.

But I learned something important: you can’t half-ass your purpose and expect comfort. You can’t half ass anything and expect full rewards.

Being a creative is hard. Art is repetitive. It’s discipline. It’s lonely. It’s work.

I do dialect training daily. I read one to three books a week. I analyze films, directors, casting decisions. I study the people who came before me. I immerse myself fully because brilliance requires obsession.

I don’t want to be “good.”
I want to be remembered.

What Happens When You Stop Abandoning Yourself

Once I fully committed to myself again, everything shifted.

From October 25th to now, I’ve paid all my bills through acting and modeling. I’ve stayed booked. I’ve stayed visible. I’ve stayed ready.

I don’t get anxiety anymore. And if I do, I know what it means: I didn’t prepare enough.

Because when I do my absolute best, I walk into rooms knowing I belong there. Knowing I worked harder than anyone else.

The truth is simple: when you’re lazy with your dreams, you’re cheating yourself. Someone else will get what you want not because they’re more talented, but because they worked harder.

As my father always says:
Hard work beats talent when talent refuses to work hard.