How I Learned to Respond Instead of React

I’ll be the first to admit it: I used to be a very reactive person.

If I heard or saw something I didn’t like, I was quick to voice my opinion. Quick to clap back. I never bit my tongue when it came to disrespect or things that pissed me off. If you crossed a line, I crossed it right back louder.

And then it hit me.

By responding that way, I was predictable. And honestly? Immature.

I don’t know if it came with age or just hitting a new level of self awareness, but after my last real crash out, I felt something I hadn’t felt before: embarrassment.

I was embarrassed that I let someone get that far under my skin. Embarrassed that I acted like a lunatic. Truly humiliated. Sitting there thinking, Look at me a gorgeous woman acting like I just escaped the psych ward. That realization was sobering.

I remember going home after causing that whole scene, sitting on my bed, and thinking, I don’t even want to go back there. Because now, when they see me, they won’t see me  they’ll see that version of me. The banshee. The girl who lost control.

And that’s when it clicked:
Out of everything in my life, this was the easiest thing to change.

So I did.
These are the three things that helped me go from reacting to responding.

1. Identify Where It’s Coming From

The first thing I learned to do was pause and ask myself two questions:
Who is saying this to me?
And where is it coming from?

The truth is, about 90% of what people say to you has no real relevance or meaning in your life unless you give it power.

One of the biggest triggers I ever experienced came from a close friend who once called me “entitled.” Seeing my name in the same sentence as entitlement sent me over the edge. I’ve never felt entitled a day in my life. I’ve never been handed anything. I’ve never expected anything to be given to me.

I was furious.

So furious that I said nothing. I blocked her on everything. Cut her off completely. And this wasn’t just anyone this was my best friend. We didn’t speak for months.

At the time, I thought I was protecting myself. But as time passed, I realized I had reacted purely off emotion. I never zoomed out to see the full picture.

Who was saying this to me?
My best friend.

Where was it coming from?
A place of her own pain.

At that time, my cousin had just died. I was shutting down emotionally. Meanwhile, she was dealing with her own trauma and reached out to me and instead of processing it, I got defensive and disappeared.

Looking back, I would’ve handled it completely differently. All I had to do was acknowledge her feelings and say, “I can’t hold this right now, but it’s going to be okay.”

That’s it.

I also had to admit something uncomfortable about myself: when I’m overwhelmed or angry, I sometimes say things I don’t mean. Especially when I feel hurt. And realizing that helped me understand that her comment wasn’t a reflection of who I am it was a reaction to what she was experiencing.

I noticed a pattern:
With people I truly love, I shut down.
With people I don’t value, I go off.

And I say things I would never tolerate someone saying to me.

That had to stop.

2. Count to 30, Fully

The second thing I do now is count to 30 before responding to anything that triggers me.

Recently, I went viral on Twitter after posting a selfie at a Jets game. The caption was simple: “Sunday fun day with the Jets.” Nothing more, nothing less.

The comments? Unhinged.

“You don’t look like a real fan.”
And the one that really sent me?
“I don’t know if this is milk or coquito.”

For context: I’m Black. Mixed, yes but Black. Raised Black. I identify as Black. Always have.

Reading that comment made me see red.

My first instinct was to go nuclear. I picked up my phone ready to tear this man apart. But instead, I sat there and counted to 30 fully. I breathed. I slowed myself down.

And then I responded with just two words:
“It’s Black.”

Nothing else.

After I hit send, I laughed.

Not because the comment wasn’t offensive, but because I realized something: this wasn’t even about him. He was just the tenth man in two years to say something ignorant like that to me. I was about to project years old anger onto a stranger on the internet.

Had I reacted, I would’ve humiliated myself again on Beyoncé’s internet.

Instead, it ended right there. No scene. No spiral. Now it’s a running joke in my group chat.

That moment taught me something important:
Responding calmly takes the power away.

3. Label Miserable People and Act Accordingly

The third thing I do and the one that truly changed me is this:

I label people.

A hard truth about society is that a lot of people are miserable. Friends, family, strangers miserable. And miserable people hate seeing others appear happy, confident, or secure.

They bait you. On purpose.

When I look back at moments where I emotionally reacted, nine times out of ten I was being picked at by someone miserable. They wanted a reaction. They wanted to see me lose control. They had already painted a picture of me in their head, handed me the brush and I finished the painting for them every time I engaged.

And that disgusts me now.

I don’t want to be known as a hothead. I don’t want to be seen as a woman who can’t keep her cool. I will always defend myself. I will never accept disrespect.

But how you respond matters.

Now, when miserable people poke at me, I take it as a compliment. I’m genuinely flattered that my presence bothers you that much. That you see me in such high regard that you feel the need to try and drag me down with you.

So I meet misery with kindness strategically.

Not soft kindness.
Weaponized kindness.

Because when you throw holy water on a demon, it burns.

Responding Saves Your Peace

Emotionally responding will save you time, energy, and stress. Your cortisol levels will thank you.

When you react, it’s not you responding it’s your ego. Your pride. People want to pull you out of your body because it gives them a sense of power. And many people don’t even have control over their own lives, so controlling your emotions feels like a win to them.

Don’t give them that.

When you know yourself and can self regulate, no one can control you.

So my advice is simple:
Always respond. Never react.
Never shut down. Never explode.
Say your piece kindly, clearly, and keep it moving.

Starve the misery.